If I could, I would

Can you go back to the day when the life was going through the biggest change… yet it all used to make sense?

Can dreams be broken? Do they ever shatter, in pieces as fragile as the virgin snow? Do they melt away when you try to hold them on your fingers?

Do you ever know how the day is going to end when you leave home in the morning? Do you ever really know someone?
One word, one breath – one drop of rain can change everything.
Everything.

It’s still too hot. I have never been a fan of Delhi’s extreme winter, but the summer is something I really hate.

If only it would rain. Right now.

But its here to stay. Few more months and then I will have the lesser of the two evils. Or will I? What is keeping me in this city? Did I find what I came searching for? Or did I lose whatever I already had?

If only god would give me one sign. If only he would tell me what to do. Oh! I am so tired, but the day has just begun.

If only it would rain today....

I stand and wait for the bus. The bus stop is almost deserted. Hummmm, its only 7:30 in the morning. Not everyone is too fond of starting the day so early. Oh yes, that guy is. We take the bus together every morning, but we never talk.
I don’t know him. Not at all.

But do we ever know someone? You may spend your whole life with a person, thinking that he was just an extension of your own soul, but after years, you find a side to him that makes him a complete stranger.

How long does it take to know a person?
One day?

One month?

One year?

Forever?

Do you believe in the word “soulmate”? For god’s sake.. its not even a word.. My spell check so nicely marks it with a red worm...

What do you do when you find a lie, woven into the fabric of trust?

Do you try to pull it out? Do you try to rip it off? But then, can you make yourself do it?

Destroy something that means so much to you? Or do you ignore the obscene spot, and wear it, as if you haven’t even noticed it?

What hurts more – a lie, told to keep you in dark, or the truth that was hidden by the person who means the world to you, to keep you close, save you from pain?

Aahh, forget it.

About the guy? Oh well, he will get off at the same stop as mine and then he will smile. A smile that I never bother to return. It’s too much of an effort – smiling.

Why is he looking so disturbed today? May be it’s the heat.

It’s got to be the heat…

If only it would rain. Thundering crazy rain. That is ONE sign that God can give, without disclosing his address.

The bus is here....


********

What gets you through a day? Work? Or the wait for the moment when you will be let off to go home to someone who would be waiting for you? Or someone you would wait for.

Have you ever waited for the work hours to be over just so that you can enjoy the time it takes you to reach the place you sleep at?

I must leave. Those crowded buses seem to be the place to find the perfect solitude. I look out of the glass window. The sky is getting dark. It’s not my usual time to leave… but what the heck…

The same road looks unfamiliar in the twilight. As unfamiliar as this city, even after years. The tiny cell-phone sits snugly in my back pocket.

Have you ever wondered how easy it is to talk to someone if you want to? But what do you do when all you want to share is the silence? Have you ever waited for someone to call so that you don’t look like someone who is ‘desperate’? Is it the Ego that stops you?

Or is it self-defence?

Have you ever longed to be with someone in this twilight – the time when the boundaries of the harsh day and the tranquil night are blurred? Have you ever felt your heart bursting with the desire to be with the one… just walking together on the pavement… sitting together – without having to talk?

To hold.. to be held… to hear the heartbeats …. to be able to feel?

Have you ever met someone like that? Does it hurt when you realize that they never belonged to you?

Do lies hurt you too?
Why do they hurt so bad?

Is it the shame of being a fool? Or is it the fact that you fell for your own fantasies?

Do we only see what we want to see?

Does it hurt when someone loves you so madly that they are ready to lie.. to keep you close…. but not enough to trust you with the truth?

What do you do when you stumble upon it? Do you confront? Or do you feel too scared… scared of breaking the bond that has become your life?

Do you live those lies? Do you pretend that nothing has changed? Do you start feeling guilty that you found what was supposed to be hidden forever?

Why is "Soulmate" a word with a red worm underneath it? Yeah, I am still thinking about it... it’s not even a word!!!! I feel like laughing till I get tears in my eyes.


If only I could get tears in my eyes.

Life and Love are the Four Letter Words .. created by God himself..

I smirk.

Walking to the bus stop was like a therapy.. but why do I wish that the guy was here? Yes, the same guy who takes the bus with me in the morning, well... he doesn’t return with me.

I feel so tired.. Maybe I will just sit on the steel bench.. I love them... Steel – my favorite. More dear than gold! Hah.. Stainless steel… do you know why it’s called stainless? Well, some other day.. just know that it’s “stain less” and not “stain proof” … I smile to myself.

Did I just feel a breeze on my face? Yes I did. It’s getting stronger. Clouds!

Ahhhh. Let me just untie my hair… let me ‘feel the wind in my hair’ as they say it. Let it fall on my face.

what a used to death cliché!


No, I won’t try to tuck it behind my ears like I always do. Most people compliment me for my long hair.. then why do I try to hide it? Why do I keep it tied up? What am I scared of?

The bus is here….
Should I catch it?

Let it go… another one will come.. let me just sit here…


Have you ever been lost, looking at something that does not exist. just sitting somewhere, your eyes unfocused, your mind in a trance..? Thinking about something that never was… something make-believe


Lies… all lies….


I feel someone’s presence before I turn my head to find that he is sitting right next to me. His face is still disturbed but he manages to give me a smile.


This is the first time that I notice that he smells great.
And this is the first time that I smile back…



Click here to read more ...


© 2009 by Chhaya. All Rights Reserved


===========================

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The Ladakh Diary – Starting with the End!

It was the longest vacation of my life. Two weeks of huffing and puffing – Ooh! and Aaahs! – Oops and ‘Lord have mercy’. The scariest roads I had ever been on, the most beautiful places I had ever been to. It’s not possible to describe it in words, even for a so called poet/writer like me. Still, I will try my best to paint a few pictures and share those I clicked during the tour.

Why with the end?

I am starting this tour-diary with the entry reserved for the last post in the series. The reason – I was unfortunate enough to be booked on a Jetlite flight from Srinagar to Mumbai.
Now for the people who have no clue what I am talking about, Jetlite is an airline owned by the Jet Airways. Most of the pilots of the Jet were on a 5-6 days long strike and as a result it took me 14-15 hours to reach Mumbai.

Fasten your seatbelts for a long and boring post full of cribbing.
Actually I wanna get over with this part cz I don’t wanna end my Ladakh diary on a bad note. So bear with me

False sense of Security

It was the 11th September – the one bad day you can pick to fly from the most disturbed area of India – Kashmir.

I knew my 2:30 pm direct flight to Mumbai will be cancelled but Jetlite did not bother to send any mail/sms/call. I made it to the Srinagar airport by 10 am so that I can check the status. We were stopped at two places outside the premises and our bags were x-rayed, our backpacks checked and we were frisked (so sad, my name is not SRK or I would be getting so much publicity by now). The frisking was very revolting, especially for me as I have severe ‘Personal Space’ problem. But I totally understand the need for security.

Overall, I was made to go through 6 security checks – 4 frisking. I would not be cribbing about it but in the end I found it all very useless cz even with all the touching, the frisking was done very immaturely. The worst part was – there were no demands for a photo ID!! I could have been absolutely anyone. Even a Pakistani and they wouldn’t know.

False Promises

I was promised a flight to Mumbai as mine was cancelled. Jetlite promised that my flight (scheduled at 3 pm) will stop at Jammu and Delhi but will ultimately go to Mumbai and I won’t have to get off from the plane. I confirmed the same with more than 5 Jet personnel. All said – Yes Yes. You won’t have to get off before Mumbai.

All Lies.

The cafeteria had stale food! We were famished by the time the flight was announced at 3:30 pm. Even with all the problems, I was really happy that finally the flight was taking me home. I was dying to see friendly and smiling faces.. (

The unwanted

The Jetlite flight decided to take all the passengers of a cancelled Kingfisher flight (the Kingfisher passengers all got complimentary snacks .. hehehe... never mind).

To my utter horror I realized that there were people sitting on the seats allotted to us on our boarding pass!! The very rude airhostess of Jetlite tried to sushhh me in a corner. It was the last nail in the coffin of my patience level. I told her clearly that I was gonna stand in the aisle unless she solves my problem.

No response. Not even a Plastic smile on her face! The Lady pretended to be deaf!
After 10 minutes she said – All the empty seats are free. Go sit anywhere. I knew that very moment that the flight was not going to Mumbai after all. I asked the flight supervisor – Some more false promises.

Alien in our own country!!?

During the flight the guy sitting in my row asked for a sandwich. The air-hostess said they only had cold beverages. To my surprise, I saw her serving a chicken sandwich to a foreigner sitting just in the front seat!! I Wonder why he was denied the food. He was certainly willing to pay for it!

As I knew, we were dumped in Delhi. The PA system announced that the Kingfisher passengers going to Chennai were to remain seated and the Bangalore passengers were to contact ground staff. No announcement for the Mumbai passengers. We had to get down and ask a staff standing near the plane who was equally rude and foul mouthed.

Getting Dumped, rather unceremoniously

It was raining and the city was colder than Srinagar at that moment (thank god I had a jacket in my backpack). Our luggage was still inside the plane. Promises were made again that it will reach Mumbai and we will be boarding a plane at 8:30 pm.

We were about 8-10 Mumbai bound passengers. We had no clue what to do next, whom to contact!

We raced from the arrival terminal to the departure terminal for our flight to Mumbai. No transportation was provided. There were two really old ladies... I wonder how horrible they were feeling.

Losing my temper

By this time I was full of anger. I started hunting for a person-in-charge but all we got was – Go to that counter – Go to this counter. Even the ground staff in-charge of our case was too rude, callous and @$%@^%#%^.

I told them clearly that I was not gonna board any flight unless I got my complaint registered.
In the end, I finally found a person in charge who heard me. Noted down my complaint and then called the night-manager of the staff. I was so angry - I could feel my hands shaking. I told them that I totally understand their problem due to the pilot strike but it does not give then an excuse to lie to passengers and be soooooooo rude to them.

Made a formal complaint against the ground staff and the cabin crew members – with their names. (thank god for the name tags)

Home Sweet Home!

Got some extra special treatment after that. written apology letter was offered - upgraded to the full service level – the manager personally escorted to the special bus to the next plane etc.
In the end, with all the delays, it was 1 am when I made it home. 15 hours after reaching Srinagar Airport

man... was I happy to see the chaos called Mumbai!!!!

Love
Chhaya

PS: I got it all out in this post and now from the next post of the Ladakh Diary, you will get to read more interesting things with better pictures! The new header of the blog is the picture I took in Leh.

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Part II - Fact, Fiction...

New Delhi, evening of a random day in the month of August, a few years back

What gets you through a day? Work? Or the wait for the moment when you will be let off to go home to someone who would be waiting for you? Or someone you would wait for.

Have you ever waited for the work hours to be over just so that you can enjoy the time it takes you to reach the place you sleep at?

I must leave. Those crowded buses seem to be the place to find the perfect solitude. I look out of the glass window. The sky is getting dark. It’s not my usual time to leave… but what the heck…

The same road looks unfamiliar in the twilight. As unfamiliar as this city, even after years. The tiny cell-phone sits snugly in my back pocket.

Have you ever wondered how easy it is to talk to someone if you want to? But what do you do when all you want to share is the silence? Have you ever waited for someone to call so that you don’t look like someone who is ‘desperate’? Is it the Ego that stops you?

Or is it self-defence?

Have you ever longed to be with someone in this twilight – the time when the boundaries of the harsh day and the tranquil night are blurred? Have you ever felt your heart bursting with the desire to be with the one… just walking together on the pavement… sitting together – without having to talk?

To hold.. to be held… to hear the heartbeats …. to be able to feel?

Have you ever met someone like that? Does it hurt when you realize that they never belonged to you?

Do lies hurt you too?
Why do they hurt so bad?

Is it the shame of being a fool? Or is it the fact that you fell for your own fantasies?

Do we only see what we want to see?

Does it hurt when someone loves you so madly that they are ready to lie.. to keep you close…. but not enough to trust you with the truth?

What do you do when you stumble upon it? Do you confront? Or do you feel too scared… scared of breaking the bond that has become your life?

Do you live those lies? Do you pretend that nothing has changed? Do you start feeling guilty that you found what was supposed to be hidden forever?

Why is "Soulmate" a word with a red worm underneath it? Yeah, I am still thinking about it... it’s not even a word!!!! I feel like laughing till I get tears in my eyes.

If only I could get tears in my eyes.

Life and Love are the Four Letter Words .. created by God himself..

I smirk.

Walking to the bus stop was like a therapy.. but why do I wish that the guy was here? Yes, the same guy who takes the bus with me in the morning, well... he doesn’t return with me.

I feel so tired.. Maybe I will just sit on the steel bench.. I love them... Steel – my favourite. More dear than gold! Hah.. Stainless steel… do you know why it’s called stainless? Well, some other day.. just know that it’s “stain less” and not “stain proof” … I smile to myself.

Did I just feel a breeze on my face? Yes I did. It’s getting stronger. Clouds!

Ahhhh. Let me just untie my hair… let me ‘feel the wind in my hair’ as they say it. Let it fall on my face.

what a used to death cliché!

No, I won’t try to tuck it behind my ears like I always do. Most people compliment me for my long hair.. then why do I try to hide it? Why do I keep it tied up? What am I scared of?

The bus is here….
Should I catch it?

Let it go… another one will come.. let me just sit here…

Have you ever been lost, looking at something that does not exist. just sitting somewhere, your eyes unfocused, your mind in a trance..? Thinking about something that never was… something make-believe …

Lies… all lies….

I feel someone’s presence before I turn my head to find that he is sitting right next to me. His face is still disturbed but he manages to give me a smile.

This is the first time that I notice that he smells great.
And this is the first time that I smile back…

Click here to read the first part

© 2009 by Chhaya. All rights reserved
PS: the image is googled

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