If I could, I would

Can you go back to the day when the life was going through the biggest change… yet it all used to make sense?

Can dreams be broken? Do they ever shatter, in pieces as fragile as the virgin snow? Do they melt away when you try to hold them on your fingers?

Do you ever know how the day is going to end when you leave home in the morning? Do you ever really know someone?
One word, one breath – one drop of rain can change everything.
Everything.

It’s still too hot. I have never been a fan of Delhi’s extreme winter, but the summer is something I really hate.

If only it would rain. Right now.

But its here to stay. Few more months and then I will have the lesser of the two evils. Or will I? What is keeping me in this city? Did I find what I came searching for? Or did I lose whatever I already had?

If only god would give me one sign. If only he would tell me what to do. Oh! I am so tired, but the day has just begun.

If only it would rain today....

I stand and wait for the bus. The bus stop is almost deserted. Hummmm, its only 7:30 in the morning. Not everyone is too fond of starting the day so early. Oh yes, that guy is. We take the bus together every morning, but we never talk.
I don’t know him. Not at all.

But do we ever know someone? You may spend your whole life with a person, thinking that he was just an extension of your own soul, but after years, you find a side to him that makes him a complete stranger.

How long does it take to know a person?
One day?

One month?

One year?

Forever?

Do you believe in the word “soulmate”? For god’s sake.. its not even a word.. My spell check so nicely marks it with a red worm...

What do you do when you find a lie, woven into the fabric of trust?

Do you try to pull it out? Do you try to rip it off? But then, can you make yourself do it?

Destroy something that means so much to you? Or do you ignore the obscene spot, and wear it, as if you haven’t even noticed it?

What hurts more – a lie, told to keep you in dark, or the truth that was hidden by the person who means the world to you, to keep you close, save you from pain?

Aahh, forget it.

About the guy? Oh well, he will get off at the same stop as mine and then he will smile. A smile that I never bother to return. It’s too much of an effort – smiling.

Why is he looking so disturbed today? May be it’s the heat.

It’s got to be the heat…

If only it would rain. Thundering crazy rain. That is ONE sign that God can give, without disclosing his address.

The bus is here....


********

What gets you through a day? Work? Or the wait for the moment when you will be let off to go home to someone who would be waiting for you? Or someone you would wait for.

Have you ever waited for the work hours to be over just so that you can enjoy the time it takes you to reach the place you sleep at?

I must leave. Those crowded buses seem to be the place to find the perfect solitude. I look out of the glass window. The sky is getting dark. It’s not my usual time to leave… but what the heck…

The same road looks unfamiliar in the twilight. As unfamiliar as this city, even after years. The tiny cell-phone sits snugly in my back pocket.

Have you ever wondered how easy it is to talk to someone if you want to? But what do you do when all you want to share is the silence? Have you ever waited for someone to call so that you don’t look like someone who is ‘desperate’? Is it the Ego that stops you?

Or is it self-defence?

Have you ever longed to be with someone in this twilight – the time when the boundaries of the harsh day and the tranquil night are blurred? Have you ever felt your heart bursting with the desire to be with the one… just walking together on the pavement… sitting together – without having to talk?

To hold.. to be held… to hear the heartbeats …. to be able to feel?

Have you ever met someone like that? Does it hurt when you realize that they never belonged to you?

Do lies hurt you too?
Why do they hurt so bad?

Is it the shame of being a fool? Or is it the fact that you fell for your own fantasies?

Do we only see what we want to see?

Does it hurt when someone loves you so madly that they are ready to lie.. to keep you close…. but not enough to trust you with the truth?

What do you do when you stumble upon it? Do you confront? Or do you feel too scared… scared of breaking the bond that has become your life?

Do you live those lies? Do you pretend that nothing has changed? Do you start feeling guilty that you found what was supposed to be hidden forever?

Why is "Soulmate" a word with a red worm underneath it? Yeah, I am still thinking about it... it’s not even a word!!!! I feel like laughing till I get tears in my eyes.


If only I could get tears in my eyes.

Life and Love are the Four Letter Words .. created by God himself..

I smirk.

Walking to the bus stop was like a therapy.. but why do I wish that the guy was here? Yes, the same guy who takes the bus with me in the morning, well... he doesn’t return with me.

I feel so tired.. Maybe I will just sit on the steel bench.. I love them... Steel – my favorite. More dear than gold! Hah.. Stainless steel… do you know why it’s called stainless? Well, some other day.. just know that it’s “stain less” and not “stain proof” … I smile to myself.

Did I just feel a breeze on my face? Yes I did. It’s getting stronger. Clouds!

Ahhhh. Let me just untie my hair… let me ‘feel the wind in my hair’ as they say it. Let it fall on my face.

what a used to death cliché!


No, I won’t try to tuck it behind my ears like I always do. Most people compliment me for my long hair.. then why do I try to hide it? Why do I keep it tied up? What am I scared of?

The bus is here….
Should I catch it?

Let it go… another one will come.. let me just sit here…


Have you ever been lost, looking at something that does not exist. just sitting somewhere, your eyes unfocused, your mind in a trance..? Thinking about something that never was… something make-believe


Lies… all lies….


I feel someone’s presence before I turn my head to find that he is sitting right next to me. His face is still disturbed but he manages to give me a smile.


This is the first time that I notice that he smells great.
And this is the first time that I smile back…



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© 2009 by Chhaya. All Rights Reserved


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I

It flows in the blood
the soul, within
Restlessness.
A thirst.
The need to move on
wherever, life may lead.

The moments of love
and the things unsaid.
Whispers under the
starlit sky,
lazy mornings, tender
still, I can’t stay

Wandering into the
desert, endless.
Swimming to the deeper sea.
Away from the faces,
voices and
the sepia memories

Keeping the vows,
the promises,
I cherish.
Yet move on, I must
breaking the strings

Living life
to the fullest,
happy, in my skin.
Starting something new, everyday
and sometimes, finish.

© 2010 by Chhaya. All rights reserved
PS: the image is my own.

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Temptations

People do strange things when they are away from home. She was no exception. The girl hated sugar or milk with her coffee, but there she was, in a strange country, sitting with her feet tucked in, trying hard to keep warm with a steaming mug held in her hands.
She had roamed around the tiny kitchen, preparing it. Milk and sugar. Her mind, wandering. As usual.

Coffee... not the way she liked it.

Coffee... just the way she wanted it. Right at that moment.

Her eyes watering. Not with tears. She never cries. It was just the freezing wind. She was sitting in the open balcony. Fighting the cold. Refusing to get inside. Just another of her testing-my-will-power things. She wasn’t even aware of the fact that she was being stubborn.. it was a second nature. It was what kept her going. Yes. She is insane. Just kind of.

She takes the first sip... as if giving into some strange and exotic temptation. Hey eyes remain focused on something just above the horizon. It’s nothing.

A sigh. Inaudible. She forgot the sugar. Years and years of sugarless coffees can do that to you. Even when you wanna add some sweetness, you go for the bitterness.

Is it hardwired in our souls, running away from temptations? Anything and everything that feels nice? No?

What’s the biggest fear? Not finding something you were looking for... or finding it and then lose it. We have had generations brought up to the thought that the one who resists the temptation is a saint.

The one, who doesn’t give in, is the strongest.

Is it so?

Is she the strongest? Not giving in. Never giving in.

Don’t you think that the strongest person is the one who dares to trust? The one who gives in, tries to live the life to the fullest.. instead of building a fort around, keeping the elements away. Good or otherwise.

She thinks about getting up. She wants it. Her feet refuse to move.

Too much of effort for a bloody spoonful of sugar.

I don’t exactly need it.

Too many years spent on separating the needs from wishes.

Who makes the segregation? What is so different between the needs and wishes?

Her mind wanders again. The familiarity of the bitter coffee is reassuring. The thoughts of sweetness start to fade. She is content.

How many dreams have you given up on? How many chances have you let go? Of a life you wished for. Of a person you dreamt of.

How many perfect ending have you ran away from?

Why?

Settling for the second best. Settling for something that you never wanted... never wished for.

Why?

The perfection is elusive. Yes. It’s always a comforting thought, to know that it wasn’t the perfect one that failed you.

It’s easy to blame the second best.

It’s easy to settle for something less than your dreams. You get someone to blame.

There isn’t much coffee left in the mug now. She looks away from the horizon, down at her hands. The fingertips are all pink. It’s the cold. Too cold.

She takes another sip.

And the realization dawns ...

the sugar, now half melted, sits at bottom.
The sugar that she wished for.
The sugar that was always there.
Never stirred.....

The coffee is way too sweet now... She puts it away...

A sly grin dances on her lips....

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Just Friends

The smiles we shared
and some tears unshed.
´Just friends´
with a shrug of shoulders,
Always, we claimed.

My heart never stopped,
when you held me close.
It was bliss.
You were my home.
The extension of my soul.

Your thoughts never
made my nights sleepless.
Far away, in the darkness,
endless conversations.
Eloquent silence.

Losing you to the sense
of wrong and right,
isn’t the end of the world.
Then why to me
it feels like?

© 2009 by Chhaya. All rights reserved
PS: the image is googled

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Take My Breath Away

Okay.. so my last poem was a dud ... agreed. The story behind it is – someone reminded me of the fact that I was only writing about three topics..... so, I tried writing about the things I don’t exactly feel.. hence the disaster.

Psst Psst...what I am trying to say is – Blame Him! Not Me!

Atonement was close to my heart but The Glass Window was a faked pain. I guess that is even worse than faked pleasure.

Life or my lifestyle has never stopped me from getting soaked in the rain or getting my feet dirty. Playing with kids or sing along a corny Bryan Adams song like ‘Let’s make a night to remember’ ... I actually do every mad thing that comes in my mind. That includes talking to my pet fish and going out for ice-cream at midnight. (I guess it explains my insanely accident prone nature, but more about that later)

Anyways.. so, a few days back, I was in my ‘cocoon’ mood. You know, the days when you just don’t wanna talk to nobody (pardon my double-negative.. sometimes wrong things make the most sense). It hadn’t rained for more than a week. The evening was slightly lost in the heat of the day.

Was home alone so I did what I do when such an evening arrives. Made a big mug of coffee and then sat by the window. My building is in this huge residential complex with gardens and pools. There is a playground right in front and I could watch the kids playing. Everyone had a hankie tied to his face, what with the swine flu scare.

The coffee was awesome.. first two teaspoons of the newly opened Coffee jar without milk or sugar to corrupt it. Just pure tantalizing smell of individuality. Have you ever wondered how the Ad agencies target families with tea and individuals with coffee??
Hmmm.. heck.. I think too much..

So what happened was – the rain came lashing down on the parched earth and the air was completely fragrant with the smell of first rain.. second time in one Monsoon .. whoa!! .... My heart went - 'thud' and I was thrown back into my childhood.

Good smell has always been the biggest turn on for me after thunders and storms. May be it is because we tag those forgotten memories with them. I cant smell Old Spice aftershave without my mind going to my Dad.. Freshly made Roti (Indian bread) never fails to remind me of Mom.. Smell of coffee and new book go together reminding me of every moment alone...

Funny, the way smells instantly bring back memories.. some pleasant, some unpleasant.. some that you don’t even wanna acknowledge


Love
Chhaya

PS: the image is obviously googled

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The Glass Window

Children of the street
dance in the first rain,
Screaming with delight.
Barefoot and half naked.
Surrounded with the comfort,
of money and fame..
I steal greedy glances through
the impersonal window frame.

Safety of Grandma’s arms and
the beauty of her weathered face -
I am trying to remember,
fighting hard to forget.
Trapped in the addictive -
golden coffin of success,
I live my death
in tiny instalments.


© Chhaya
I forbid any comparison between Slumdog Millionaire and this poem... :

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Being a Freak... getting Personal

If you have followed my blog during last (almost) 2 years then you may have noticed that I am not very regular. I tend to vanish for weeks, sometimes months. The problem is – I find it really difficult to open up in front of others. No, I am not afraid of talking to strangers.

There have been times when I have walked up to a complete stranger and asked – “hey, from where did you buy that T-shirt”... (the guy was totally shocked when I did that .. lol...). I maintain full eye contact when I talk.. I am certainly not scared of men or eve-teasers. Or insects/dark/blood/ghosts/thuders etc etc..

I am afraid of being judged and then branded – “weird” in this little space I have.

There are very few people from my “real” life who know that I write. For the world, I am this techie who is a math and science geek during the day. Why do I hide? Why don’t I wanna be known as the girl who can juggle numbers and words alike (well... I am not exactly a “Writer” writer... I know that)?

I hide because I would rather die than let ‘em know that I bleed when I am punched. It’s one of those things that you get when you are raised in a crooked way... the way I was. Sometimes I wonder if my tear-glands even work.

There is no going back once I post this entry. I am opening a door that I have braced with all my might. I don’t even know why I am doing it, why I am opening it now. I have been writing for last 3 years. I have written stories and poems ... all fiction. But is there anything called fiction in this world? It’s just a part of your soul that you disguise with perfect and sometimes not-so-perfect words.

My last poem (Atonement) was almost a scream. After spending more than two decades trying to be a good girl (and succeeding, if you go by the society’s measuring tape), I am finally realizing the fact that there is something really wrong with me. I keep trying to convince myself that everyone feels that way. That everyone hurts....

The worst thing about being a freak is when you start talking about yourself, when you finally open up.. people think you are bragging. Or they think you are this evil person...
Those who get attracted (I don’t mean just the romantic sort of attraction) to you like you for the fact that you are different. They like you because you can talk and act smart.. smarter than them, most of the time.. but the moment you start breathing again... whooooosh.. they wanna ‘fix’ you.. They want you to be a normal person who reacts in a predictable way to a crisis.. or to happiness – to life.

I have caused some nasty things to happen .. to the people I have cared for. I have caused broken relationships.. and I have lost friends just bcz their significant halves felt threatened.. It hurts.. hurts bad. And then I sit back and wonder.. what did I do? More about that later....

Right now.. I have almost no friend in my own age-group.... I just can't relate to them...

I don’t think I made much sense here.. the fact is, I have held back.. held back a lot. If you thought I was bragging then you know what I mean.. This is exactly the reason I don’t write personal stuff here..

I wanna tell people what I like.. I wanna share my favourite stories.. I wanna tell everyone that I finished the complete works of Dostoyevsky before I tuned 14... I wanna share my passion for firearms.. for math.. for crazy weather.. for .....

Perhaps I am testing the waters... I don’t know if I will take the plunge..
It’s Scary.. Letting people know you.

- Chhaya
Mumbai, India

PS: That’s not me in the image :)

PS2: I am absolutely NOT looking for sympathies!!!! I would rather kill myself than change the way i am!!

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