Being a Freak... getting Personal

Thursday, August 13, 2009

If you have followed my blog during last (almost) 2 years then you may have noticed that I am not very regular. I tend to vanish for weeks, sometimes months. The problem is – I find it really difficult to open up in front of others. No, I am not afraid of talking to strangers.

There have been times when I have walked up to a complete stranger and asked – “hey, from where did you buy that T-shirt”... (the guy was totally shocked when I did that .. lol...). I maintain full eye contact when I talk.. I am certainly not scared of men or eve-teasers. Or insects/dark/blood/ghosts/thuders etc etc..

I am afraid of being judged and then branded – “weird” in this little space I have.

There are very few people from my “real” life who know that I write. For the world, I am this techie who is a math and science geek during the day. Why do I hide? Why don’t I wanna be known as the girl who can juggle numbers and words alike (well... I am not exactly a “Writer” writer... I know that)?

I hide because I would rather die than let ‘em know that I bleed when I am punched. It’s one of those things that you get when you are raised in a crooked way... the way I was. Sometimes I wonder if my tear-glands even work.
There is no going back once I post this entry. I am opening a door that I have braced with all my might. I don’t even know why I am doing it, why I am opening it now. I have been writing for last 3 years. I have written stories and poems ... all fiction. But is there anything called fiction in this world? It’s just a part of your soul that you disguise with perfect and sometimes not-so-perfect words.

My last poem (Atonement) was almost a scream. After spending more than two decades trying to be a good girl (and succeeding, if you go by the society’s measuring tape), I am finally realizing the fact that there is something really wrong with me. I keep trying to convince myself that everyone feels that way. That everyone hurts....

The worst thing about being a freak is when you start talking about yourself, when you finally open up.. people think you are bragging. Or they think you are this evil person...
Those who get attracted (I don’t mean just the romantic sort of attraction) to you like you for the fact that you are different. They like you because you can talk and act smart.. smarter than them, most of the time.. but the moment you start breathing again... whooooosh.. they wanna ‘fix’ you.. They want you to be a normal person who reacts in a predictable way to a crisis.. or to happiness – to life.

I have caused some nasty things to happen .. to the people I have cared for. I have caused broken relationships.. and I have lost friends just bcz their significant halves felt threatened.. It hurts.. hurts bad. And then I sit back and wonder.. what did I do? More about that later....

Right now.. I have almost no friend in my own age-group.... I just can't relate to them...

I don’t think I made much sense here.. the fact is, I have held back.. held back a lot. If you thought I was bragging then you know what I mean.. This is exactly the reason I don’t write personal stuff here..

I wanna tell people what I like.. I wanna share my favourite stories.. I wanna tell everyone that I finished the complete works of Dostoyevsky before I tuned 14... I wanna share my passion for firearms.. for math.. for crazy weather.. for .....

Perhaps I am testing the waters... I don’t know if I will take the plunge..
It’s Scary.. Letting people know you.

- Chhaya
Mumbai, India

PS: That’s not me in the image :)
PS2: I am absolutely NOT looking for sympathies!!!! I would rather kill myself than change the way i am!!


Unknown August 13, 2009 at 9:48 PM  

See, if you ask me, I would rather prefer to be unpredictable. Having said that there is no harm in expressing yourself, your feelings, the way you think, in front of others but don't become a kind of open book. Your poetic skills are adequate enough to showcase your feelings to the outside world. When you are blessed with this unique talent, utilize it to the maximum.

P.S. - These are just my own personal views. You or for that matter others may differ.



vicious August 13, 2009 at 10:48 PM  

it will be a welcome change if u start doing that ...there is really no harm in letting a bit of u out especially when there are all such wonderful people out here ..
all the best!!!

Tarun Goel August 13, 2009 at 10:52 PM  

Everyone is free girl, so are you [excluding Maya :)] so rock on, no looking back.
One life, one you, thats it
And remember forever: Uncle Dostoevsky Rocks!!!

Problems will always be there, the real men [women] are those who look for the solutions.

Tarun Goel August 13, 2009 at 10:52 PM  

And one more tihng, no sympathies here, because sympathies don't rock :)

Chhaya August 13, 2009 at 11:02 PM  

@Rakshit – You would rather be unpredictable but can you live with someone who is like that? :D

@Vicious – its not about harm.. its about the fact that I end up intimidating some important people in my life. its not a nice feeling. what troubles me the most that I am running out of people I can ‘talk’ to..

@ Tarun – heheheh.. absolutely, surely, unquestionably – Smpathies make my skin crawl.. and yeah, Uncle Dostoyevsky rocks for sure.. But u yearn to find a person you can to about him :( .. If you start up a conversation on that topic, you get a look that says – “don’t u have anything better to read” .. heheheh..

Chhaya August 13, 2009 at 11:02 PM  

@Tarun - Maya is a girl????!!! what the heck!! aaigo!

Tarun Goel August 13, 2009 at 11:06 PM  

NO maya is that shitty, sexy blogger friend of ours :D
Damn those people who don't know about Dostoevsky.
PS2 lolzzzzzzzzzzz
spell check done :)

Chhaya August 13, 2009 at 11:11 PM  

@ Tarun - He is Shittly Sexy

(I shud hide before he starts reading this) :D,, sorry maya.. Tarun provoked me.. its HIS fault :P

Tarun Goel August 13, 2009 at 11:13 PM  

ahahahah lolzz
let the devil sleep or he will come up with some new background history from the backside :D :D :D

Ajai August 13, 2009 at 11:42 PM  

First things first... do you know the girl in the picture? If u do please forward details. ;)

I honestly feel that you are too pent up. You are waiting to burst. Blogging/writing can be an outlet only if you let it. I think you read my last post. I revealed a bit of me to the world, but not everything.

It's not easy. I really can't give you a good reason as to why I do/did it. But it makes me feel at least a little better. Makes me happy. That's in a nutshell what i try and do with my blog. All the best. Keep ranting. And don't worry. I'll read. ;). The girl's contact info first right!

John August 14, 2009 at 5:33 AM  

You are who your are. Take the plunge and come above water into the "you" that was meant to be. Never to late to express yourself. To be yourself is divine.

Chhaya August 14, 2009 at 7:39 AM  

@AJai – yes. you are right. I have received tags like “secretive”, “mysterious” and “weird” (the last one is mostly given by girls. I really find it tough to open up. all my skills with words vanish and I end up looking like a fool. About the girl.. hehehe.. sorry to disappoint u :P

@John (Quackster) – yes.. I am going to write more about myself (not like an open book, as Rakshit correctly advised.. not that I can actually _be_ an open book) and my life. Hope I wont sound like a bore to you guys :D

Maya August 14, 2009 at 9:54 AM  

@ chhaya.. in reply to your post on atonment somebody told abt u not being regular,, and u replied saying k u are not sure abt revealing ur life... same time i knew, ur next post is going to be personal.. see i can read minds too..

i bet chhaya this is the best place for u to open up and talk about urself,, that way u will know urself better. and i m sure there are people here, who can understand exactly what u want to say.. moreover u have got the talent to express in words so better use it..

i guess i have to read tht guy dostoyevsky now,,

i m not sure if its ok to ask, as to what u mean by tht u were raised in a crooked way..

Maya August 14, 2009 at 9:56 AM  

@ tarun and chhaya.. guys u are free to talk about my shittiness

SHIT ROCKS, maybe we should fit a vibrator into it..

Chhaya August 14, 2009 at 10:06 AM  

@Maya (uncommon sense) - hmmmm.. i did say "i may start opening up" ( on that post) .. so mind reading? hehehhe..

Jokes Apart, i strongy recommned Dostoyevsky. try the "Crime and Punishment" or "The Idiot" first.

i had read then when i was in 8th Grade.. and i have re-read them countless times after that.

Tarun Goel August 14, 2009 at 11:10 AM  

Dostoevsky Rocks!!!- I pray you lord.
Maya read Crime and Punishment and you might kill yourself, considering your shitty mental condition :P

IdleMind August 14, 2009 at 11:13 AM  

Welcome to this open world ... well, I know some things that I know (wink wink). Not that 'opening' up is a crime or being 'reserved' gives one a holy life. You are what you are ... and there's no reason to feel good (or bad) about it. Many like us don't write about ourselves for bragging, I guess none likes to intentionally brag, but sometimes I do to just show how beautiful people are around me. And believe me, I have had one helluva 'social career' online! It's been heavenly!!

Past is usually a lot of comprehension ... too much bad thinking, too much mess. People have shorter memories to really weigh past with present. What you are today is not because the past doesn't look all that bad ... or you can't judge me because my past is unclean and so on. Whatever you have written is absolute truth, I know ... and the good part is you never intended to hide anything that you wrote. But do I know you? probably the answer is a BIG NO.

I don't wish you to come out ... or feel closeted. However, in case you feel you have things which you can share ... and from which your pals around can enjoy a learning, do please share. But don't just come out for the heck of it ... coming out is no less ordinary than being closed.

You know what I mean, don't you? wink wink!

P.S: Dosto-da does rock too! :)

Chhaya August 14, 2009 at 11:14 AM  

@Traun - yes.. crime and punishment can be the perfect start.. though i wonder if Maya will find a shittier way to kill the oldie than Raskolnikov :D

Chhaya August 14, 2009 at 11:17 AM  

@Idle - hehe.. this post was not aimed at you. after being in touch for 3 years, i am sure you know a LOT about me!!.. You are one of the few people who knows what i mean when i say - "I was raised crooked" ..

btw - "Coming out" sounds very Gay. I dont have anything against Gay folks.. but just to clarify - i am 'straight'.. lol...

my 'opening up' has nothing to do with 'orientations'..

IdleMind August 14, 2009 at 11:45 AM  

@ Chhaya - hahahahaha .... you came out well ... oops, sorry! But you are one straight person, that I do know ... hehehehe.

And the 'touch' thing you wrote, just to clarify, is purely electronic. Or to be more precise, a la web only thing! (wink wink)

Anonymous,  August 14, 2009 at 12:01 PM  

i will read on monday.. abhi to open kiya ye blog.. aur abhi abhi bahar jaana pad raha hai.. so.... ab direct monday ko aaunga.. aur monday ko padhunga :)

Chhaya August 14, 2009 at 12:06 PM  

@Bheja fry - take ur time :)

IdleMind August 14, 2009 at 12:24 PM  

OMG! you are in a raw mood today. I guess it must be the rains ... is it? ;)

Chhaya August 14, 2009 at 12:26 PM  

@Idle - on the contrary... it’s the lack of rain and the fear of the flu! heheheh..

IdleMind August 14, 2009 at 12:52 PM  

See, here's the proof ... I know nothing about you! hihihi ...

Anonymous,  August 14, 2009 at 3:01 PM  

i.. think..... mene meri post ek din pahele post kar di.. ..

after reading dis your post.. shayad me aapki comment ke reply me aapko meri "सोचता हूँ में कुछ ऐसा लिखता हूँ,........." wali post read karne ko bolta..

d post and style of writing becomes identity of any blogger. ( i mean reader can create image of writer ki, uska nature ku6 aisa hoga) i think so.. (mind reading jaisa nahi lekin, post ka care fully reading and observation jaisa ku6 bolna chahta hun me..)

this time, there is no need to write anything personal aur life related stuff here in blog,,

but.. will try to post next poem in reply of your dis post :P

itsyvitsy August 14, 2009 at 9:31 PM  

Hi there. Another soul stirring post from you. The very fact that you used this space to tell "something" clearly indicates that your hunt is on for 'the one confidante' you could confide with.

You have mentioned at various instances that you would like to open up, but I do not see that you have started yet. There is a bigger, probably a larger part of you that still needs to emerge in your writings. May be in the coming posts?

The attitude somehow, I feel, is close to mine. I have set a level for myself and I stick by it. This comes out as "bad attitude", and immediately people would want to "fix" you, or rather bitch if you do not care. I am either reading between the lines here, or may be I have totally misinterpreted what you have written - but I see that you have set very high standards for yourself. The people you are engaged with perceive this as arrogance; they want you to be ordinary (the fix applies here) and when you refuse to be so they move away.

To conclude, "Take the plunge". Cheers.

itsyvitsy August 14, 2009 at 9:33 PM  

And hey I have updated my blog. I have tried something new. Check it out.

Chhaya August 14, 2009 at 10:23 PM  

@Vprabhu - You are absolutely correct about what i am trying to convey here.. I have always paid a price for being wiser than my years.. i have always searched for someone i can really talk to...

the most painful part of being 'me' is i end up intimidating those i love.

i wear so many faces that sometimes i start doubting myself..

Zero August 15, 2009 at 9:35 AM  

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your post reminds me of an interesting statement
Äs you write more and more personnel, it becomes more and more Universal". Best regards.

itsyvitsy August 15, 2009 at 2:56 PM  

A little sacrifice, a little compromise is all about leading a life with people we love. It applies both ways, if you can wear a different attitude for someone you care for, you might as well expect they do the same to you. People who always want to be understood are not good at heart at all, unless they too try to understand someone else.

Be yourself, and don't try out too many masks that you longer seem authentic or genuine. If people love you, they will understand and see beyond any shortcomings if any. If you have put yourself before someone else, and they failed to see that then I would they it was their misfortune; probably you must get over it and try not to blame yourself.

I wish you find the right person to open up. The one who can clearly see what you are, and appreciate you for what you are.


Chhaya August 15, 2009 at 3:08 PM  

@VPrabhu - Its not as simple as that.. :)

itsyvitsy August 15, 2009 at 3:12 PM  

Agreed it isn't simple as that. And I know it isn't as simple as that. I too cannot get over a lot of things. But, I have a few well wishers with whom I can confide with and they show me the right way. If I were a loner, it probably would've been next to impossible. Your point has been taken. :-)

Chhaya August 15, 2009 at 3:20 PM  

@VPrabhu – may be I wasn’t so clear in the post.. I am not looking for guidance or being shown the right way. I have been on my own since I was 18 (here goes another piece of my “secrets”) and I not looking for a role model or anything.

the fact is, I come across as a show-off or a ‘secretive’ person, depending on the fact if I am trying to be myself or if I am trying to maintain distance. I have achieved the medium path and I can keep my mouth shut most of the time.. but it gets suffocating. And _that_ is my problem. I am too tired to try the “trial and error” thing with people.. And this is why I write. I can create two characters and give them a conversation I would love to have with someone :)

it’s very tough to understand what I m saying bcz I have not been open about the exact circumstances or incidents in my life... I don’t think I can ever open up that much...

Pete August 15, 2009 at 5:44 PM  

Hi Chhaya

I find that direct personal emails to a few rather than providing limited feelings to a wide audience, work better.

It all depends on what one really seeks.


Chhaya August 15, 2009 at 8:39 PM  

@Pete - if i had a email ID where i cud send exactly what i feel, i wudnt have to share this little bit in open :D

@Everyone - to those who might be thinking that i am looking for a shoulder to cry on.. or that i want someone to share my 'feelings' .. no.. i am not looking for either. i just want to have a place where i dont have to try hard to make sure i dont look like a 'miss know it all'...

Anonymous,  August 15, 2009 at 11:34 PM  

I feel the very opposite. It's hard for me to open up in a real world conversation than here. I feel I can rant my mind out when I'm tying. See, I could do it here. I think my reply would have been very different if you were talking to me in person.

Uday August 16, 2009 at 2:22 AM  

You should go ahead and open up. Its hard to judge people by their blogs.. For all you know Maya might be a devout muslim who prays to god 6 times a day, avoids woman like plague and shits in the bathroom (not his pants) and likes his friends biryani :)

Point is people are here to find interesting stuff and for a laugh not to judge or be judged. If someone does judge you why should you give a damn about what a guy/girl who you barely know thinks about you ..

Chhaya August 16, 2009 at 11:16 AM  

@Virus - Being able to strike a conversation with complete strangers is not exactly 'opening up'.. as i said earlier in one of my replies, i am not looking for that "sharing my innermost feelings" thing either. i have my poems and my stories for that. that is where i vent my emotions, whatever i have.

@Uday - ROTFLMAO@ the maya reference. THE dude is getting too famous @ my blog. i should charge him shit-tax :D .. hehehehe...

thanx for dropping by

Rachana August 16, 2009 at 1:15 PM  

So Chhaya, how old are you? ;)
Nah...You don't have to answer that.

I love this update. It is as real as it can get, sometimes I feel it is so important to come out straight rather than hide behind metaphors, symbols, pretenses etc...

Also, thank you for your words on my blog. It is so encouraging.

Chhaya August 16, 2009 at 3:01 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
IdleMind August 16, 2009 at 4:11 PM  

Thanks for appreciating the look of my blog. The pic is from Giridih and the idea is from yours truly. But then decorations are mostly bluffs ... like selling products!

Rachana August 16, 2009 at 8:26 PM  

No shame at all in revealing one's age. I agree. When people ask me my age I sometimes end up giving a number more than my actual age :) Fun to see their reaction :)

abhishek August 16, 2009 at 11:04 PM  

You haven't opened up yet and you are getting 44 comments. I mean 44 comments. Oh! wait a minute...that's not the reason you got 44 got it coz you are a girl.

That's just unfair.

and when you say you r not a freak...i believe you. You have feathers behind your back(look at your about me pic). I don't think there's a freaky angel. Is thr?

Tongue Trip August 16, 2009 at 11:45 PM  

hi Chhaya, thanks for coming by. i'm glad you liked the photos. i do have a lifelong fascination for the hazy; hazy of all sorts.
i see you have very wonderful things going on here. :)

Chhaya August 17, 2009 at 9:55 AM  

@Rachna - u can always say "meri twacha se meri umr ka pata hi nahi chalta :D

@Abhishek - almost 40% of the comments are my replies yaar... and i am sure u r joking when u say "its bcz u are a girl".. cz if u were serious, i wud have to remind you that

according to men, when a girl _cant_ do something - its _Bcz_ she is a girl and girls know nothing....

and when she _does_ something its _bcz_ she is a girl, its easier for her...

and _that_ is what some wud call unfair.

about the freaky angel thing.. are u sure? ;)

@TT - you are most welcome

Maya August 17, 2009 at 11:03 AM  

@ why do ppl think angels have wings,, i m sure they have tails...

Chhaya August 17, 2009 at 11:07 AM  

@Maya - yes yaar. it would be impossible to fly without the tail. how will the angel navigate!!! :P

Anonymous,  August 17, 2009 at 12:26 PM  

wOw.. its half century in comments .. balle balle...

Uday August 17, 2009 at 2:19 PM  

i want to see the tail.. hmm.. never mind.. :)

Chhaya August 17, 2009 at 2:28 PM  

@Bheja Fry - Freaks are always the center of attraction. lol..

@Uday - hmm.. i am having this sinking feeling that i m missing a joke here :|

Opaque August 17, 2009 at 4:45 PM  

Vent it all out to enjoy a fresh start. You need not change the way you are, you simply need to alter the perspective and/or attitude.

Whats In A Name August 17, 2009 at 8:27 PM  

Sorry for being so late here...
You know what!!!!!
You are 100 percent normal when you think that you are weird.
Its just that some people agree that they are and others dont!!!!
And if every common man is made to sit on the SACH KA SAAMNA hot seat, you will soon find out that all of us have something or the other which is hidden in the dark.
But to vent them out is the best thing we can do. And no better place then a blog.. Its like speaking our secrets in the hollows of a tree like when we were kids.:-)

Maya August 18, 2009 at 11:36 AM  

@ chaya, whats in a name

whats in a name is right i guess, everyone is ajeeb in some aspect.. also i think most of the bloggers must be introvert... all are writing just because they are not being able to express things in real world..+ they can find wider audience here

Chhaya August 18, 2009 at 11:39 AM  

@Uncommon Sense - whaaaaaa :( .. u ate one "h" from my name.. whaaaa..

you are right about introvert ppl taking on blogging.. but being an "introvert" is not the problem i shared here. and i dont think most bloggers are introverts... most of the blogs i have visited (other than those in my bogroll) are too "in your face" :)

Whats In A Name August 19, 2009 at 10:15 AM  

@Chhaya ,
Somehow I still get a feeling that there are two types of Extroverts in the blogging world ( the in your face") attitudes
1. People who write from their hearts. (like me,..:-P)
2. People who write only what they want their perceptions to be in public.
The catagory 2 people outnumber catagory 1. I dont think they are extroverts. They are incessant babblers..

Chhaya August 19, 2009 at 10:32 AM  

@What'sInAName - i wonder which category you give to _me_ :D

and yeah, i lost the link to your other blog.. give again?

Whats In A Name August 19, 2009 at 10:45 AM  

You dont belong to any of those catagories yet!!!

Maybe a "newbie extrovert" which can shift either the first or the second catagory with time ! :-)

My blog link is there on my blogger profile :-)

Chhaya August 19, 2009 at 11:40 AM  

@WIAN - lol... told u.. i m one shape-shifter..

btw, i wasnt asking for the PoorJokes blog..

akd August 19, 2009 at 5:37 PM  

first time here....

You r completely different 4m me...I despise strangers, hate to talk to strangers....

your version of fiction is a little weird according to me....don't beat me !!!!!

life is completely weird becoz sometime we r forced to hurt others even the people who care for us ...but still it's apart of life...

Chhaya August 19, 2009 at 6:25 PM  

@Asit - first of all, i never said i "love" to talk to strangers. i am just very practical that way. if i need to, i will.

and then about u finding my concept of fiction "weird"... well... i do come across as this weird person to a lot of people.. notice the "Freak" in the post title?

thanks for dropping by..

Sameer. October 12, 2009 at 9:04 PM  

lol, why so serious? Relax and don't held back. Didn't go through all the comments. But from PS2 it seems that there were sympathies and this is surely not one.

Just write your heart out and try to live like that as well. I know, I myself don't behave like that. But try to... Waiting for your next personal post :)

Darshan Chande October 27, 2009 at 10:05 PM  

Interesting to know you. Very interesting, indeed. No sympathies. Every word written in this post is acknowledged ~

bliss November 13, 2009 at 5:38 PM  

i know its such an old post but still, didnt wanna let go without saying that i totally agreed with every word u wrote.. i might not have got the real meaning behind ur words at places, u know, not grip the thing u were trying to tell, but i so agree with u.. i think i am quite like that too.. trust me, writing this, i feel i am bragging!1 :P it was great to read this post,honestly!!!

Heather Mattern January 17, 2010 at 2:16 AM  

Thank you for being REAL!!! I feel that I know you because I too see me in your post! I often refer to myself as a wallflower.. your words say it much better.. I am a loner who is never lonely!

Chhaya January 17, 2010 at 7:59 AM  

@Sameer : i am always relaxed dude. see, the moment i try to be what i am, ppl start imagining that i m this long-suffering girl, which i m certainly not! i am very content, being what i am

Chhaya January 17, 2010 at 8:00 AM  

@Darshan , Bliss... thank u so much guys, for getting my drift :)

Chhaya January 17, 2010 at 8:01 AM  

@Chaotic Beauty : its always nice to find someone who can related to us. so i am so glad to have found u :)

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