Tick-Tock

Monday, April 19, 2010




"The Forensic tests have confirmed that the decomposed body found in the ravines is indeed of the renowned industrialist William Spencer. He was reported missing almost a year ago"


Danny turned off the TV and leaned back into his chair. A frown marred his usual good looks at the moment.

'There is no way they can prove it.' He told himself the thousandth time. He had made sure that William didn’t tell anyone about their hiking trip.

"It will be like our childhood. No cell phones, no work, no commitments. Just two brothers having fun!" Danny had made Will promise him.

His alibi for the day was rock solid. He had made sure of it.

Taking over his company looked like bailing a brother's widow out. What with all the phony debts.

Danny took out the old pocket watch from the table's drawer.

How he had hated William when their father had given it to him. Danny could still feel his nerves flare at the memory of forever being humiliated by his father. Old moron always took Will's side.

Snatching the watch from his twin's dead body was the best thing Danny had ever done. Well, next to killing him.

He had gone all the way down to take it from his broken body. The old thing had survived the enormous fall without a scratch, but somehow it was broken inside and nothing could make it work. Still, it was his trophy!

"Well, you are as dead as your master, aren’t you, stupid watch?"

The watch was stuck for last one year, showing the exact time when he had...

He smirked looking at it...

The Second hand of the watch moved without warning. It's sound echoing like a gunshot in the silence.

Danny froze as he felt the hair on his neck stand up...

A whisper... a voice so familiar... No it can't be!
"Hello Brother..."

---------------------------------


©2010 by Chhaya. All Rights Reserved





This is my first entry for the Magpie Tales :) ... the image of the watch was the prompt.

69 comments:

Helen April 19, 2010 at 8:06 PM  

OK, you did it! A chill went up and down my spine as I came to the end of your prose. Very nice!

Zave April 19, 2010 at 8:30 PM  

Thrilling tale of the two brothers!
Amazing write, how exquisite use of words and memories to bring in suspense and finally a horrifying twist at the end!

Brian Miller April 19, 2010 at 9:43 PM  

oh delightfully creepy! loved it!

WELCOME TO MY WORLD OF POETRY: April 19, 2010 at 9:53 PM  

I wish you luck, this was excellently written and an equally excellent story.

Yvonne,

Catalyst April 20, 2010 at 12:44 AM  

Chhaya, that was eery. Very well written!

Brosreview April 20, 2010 at 2:53 AM  

Ooo, yes, alarming, it is! A wrongdoing always haunts!

rel April 20, 2010 at 3:40 AM  

Oh yeah! That was good...a nail biter, a cliff hanger....and then, and then?
Well done, a worthy Magpie!

Ji April 20, 2010 at 4:14 AM  

what a tale,
love and hatred combine,
you did have the gift crafting stories that are enjoyable!

cheers!

RAJ47 April 20, 2010 at 7:06 AM  

Hi Chhaya,
This reminds me of brotherly hatred between Jacob and Esau. Nice story.

♫ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♫ ayu ♫ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♫ April 20, 2010 at 11:34 AM  

OMG..it was scary..0.0 and really nice!!!!

(ps. check out my latest post if you have time,,.thanks :3)

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 11:43 AM  

@Helen : thank u :) ... A chill is what I was looking for, from this story ;) ... I thought making the watch rather pivotal in the tale would do justice to the prompt.

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 11:45 AM  

@Zave : thank u so much! I always try to put a twist at the end of a shorty. sometimes I succeed, sometimes I dont :)

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 11:48 AM  

@Brian : thanks a ton! You are the inspiration behind me joining in the Magpie fun :)

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 11:57 AM  

@Yvonne : thank u sweetheart. Its not exactly any contest, more like coming together of some bloggers/writers to get their brain cells tickled ;)

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 12:10 PM  

@Vicki Lane : thnx, I am glad u liked it

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 12:10 PM  

@Rel : hehe. A and then? always works for me ;) ... thank u for the kind words

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 12:11 PM  

@Ji : thanks :)... but I do hope u mean that I still have that gift ... hehe... did have, scared me!

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 12:15 PM  

@Raj : A very apt observation. Even I wanted to put in a hint to which was the firstborn of the Twins here... but then I thought it wud be information overload. Yeah, I guess Danny was trying to steal Williams’s birthright.

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 12:16 PM  

@Ayu : thnx. and dear, u dont have to leave me an invite everytime. i follow ur blog and will surely comment as i always do :)

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 12:17 PM  

@Brosreview : always, my friend... always... they always come back to bit us at inconvenient places ;)

Uncommon Sense April 20, 2010 at 12:47 PM  

i think the hello brother thing was too much... the minute hand moving at some related point like on his birthday or something might have looked more better...

i dont know, but its nice..

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 12:51 PM  

@Uncommon Sense : i m very satisfied with the end here. I wanted a full circle for Danny and Will. I wanted a Q left hanging in the air that needed an instant answer- what now?

making the watch move on his birthday wud not give it any impact.

but thanks for giving the feedback. a prompt can always get tons of different stories and endings :)

Premanshu,  April 20, 2010 at 1:10 PM  

A whisper... a voice so familiar... No it can't be!
"A Twist at the end of the tail..."

Superb Writing... Superb Ending ! :)

cKrAzYy..! ;) April 20, 2010 at 2:10 PM  

Shadowy Dreams
by Chhaya
I am a loner who is never lonely...

new version:

shinning Dreams
by cKrAzYy
I am a loaner who is never lonely... :P :D ;-)

Chhaya April 20, 2010 at 3:14 PM  

@Crazy ; dude, that is MY line!!!!

i so gonna get it copyrighted :P

willow April 20, 2010 at 5:50 PM  

This gave me the willies!!!

An Ordinary Gal April 20, 2010 at 5:56 PM  

It was a good thriller. I liked it. Thank you so much for ur blessings. Keep Visiting my place :)

Miss Angie April 20, 2010 at 9:08 PM  

You're a great writer, and I love the photo with it! :) I'm sorry if you feel like I forgot you, go ahead and take the award too. :)

Sh@KiR@ CK April 20, 2010 at 9:16 PM  

BRAVO! BRILLIANT!
I am so blessed to have found your blog today.
What a gem!
mine is here
this is my first magpie tale.
have you a great week.
hugs
shakira

steviewren April 20, 2010 at 11:06 PM  

Like Cain and Abel...jealousy between brothers can have no good outcome!

Preethi Prabhu April 21, 2010 at 4:46 AM  

Killing someone must haunt big time :) Oh I am so curious to know what happened next :)

IdleMind April 21, 2010 at 10:33 AM  

Chilling ... rather a brainy chill. The suspicion was there for something ominous, at least the clock remained a subtle hint.

You're doing very well with these shorter ones!!

Me very much here ... just a little busy nowadays.

joanny April 21, 2010 at 11:51 AM  

I thought it was well written and I liked the ending as you wrote it -- no need to change -- it would not of had the same eerie impact otherwise.

Joanny

Vittaldas Prabhu April 21, 2010 at 6:53 PM  

Let me tell you a story: I was tired on the evening this post was published and I did not understand. On another day I was feeling fresh and I read it again and I still did not understand. But, after I while I figured that what I did not understand is the fact that why Chhaya wrote a story that does not have a hidden message or something to really rake my brains and figure out what is the plot. ;-)

Just when Danny thought that he had made it all look foolproof, Mr. William had different plans for his twin. And, he had to return with the ticking of the second hand. The most spine chilling entry for William to make. One thing I can tell you is that when the hair on the back of Danny's neck stood, so did mine. You really gave it that effect! Wow! Simply, Wow!

Chhaya April 22, 2010 at 2:42 PM  

@Willow : that makes me feel that I succeeded. it was my first try at thriller/horror

Chhaya April 22, 2010 at 2:43 PM  

@An Ordinary Gal : well, first of all, I dun think u are Ordinary at all :)... every kid is special!
and I will surely keep checking ur blog!!

Chhaya April 22, 2010 at 3:07 PM  

@Angie : so sweet of u :) .... I was just pulling ur legs by whining earlier :D

Chhaya April 22, 2010 at 3:11 PM  

@Shakira : awww... thank u....
my first try at this genre ... so I m really glad most of u guys liked it! I will surely check out ur entry :)

Chhaya April 22, 2010 at 3:21 PM  

@Steve : I have always found sibling rivalries to be one of the most negative things ever. deep down I have also felt that someone parents mess up somewhere, making one child feel rather abandoned. this feeling later turning out to be a troubling factor..

Chhaya April 22, 2010 at 3:24 PM  

@idle : thank u for noticing that. i thought i had failed to make the significance of the watch obvious :)

Chhaya April 22, 2010 at 3:30 PM  

@Joanny : thank u for backing me on the ending... i was really satisfied with it, even with some of my friends missing the hint :-/

Chhaya April 22, 2010 at 3:31 PM  

@Vittal : derr aye, durust aaye :D

i m so glad u caught on the fact that the ending was very simple :)

Quackster April 22, 2010 at 10:39 PM  

This is a great post! I like how you left the ending up in the air for us readers to ponder what happened. Is it a ghost? Great job!

swapnanjali April 23, 2010 at 11:22 AM  

chhaya dear ...gr8 ...sometimes these stories make one line in our mind...felt as if it's real and the watch you've pasted here is matching perfectly ...

Once my mother told me something about wall clock that ... it was started giving alarm clock in her b'day ...but it was simple wall clock..there was no alarming facilities for that clock ...and that wall clock is working with the same battery ...no battery change yet....
After that i was afraid to clean that wall clock ...:)...thanks for refreshing dear :)

vidya April 24, 2010 at 1:53 AM  

super writing CHhaya! creepy, scary, suspense, chill...it has all:)

the-silhouette April 24, 2010 at 6:25 PM  

Well hi...

nice one...like everyone said (almost everyone) "nice ending"

Regards,
your silhouette...

chiccoreal April 24, 2010 at 6:58 PM  

Dear CHhaya: The haunting watch coming back to life foreshadows the spectrean Lazurian (behind his back no less!). Everyone "assumes" the twin is deader than a doornail and then you spring the springer! Excellently juxaposed imagery in that lovely nemesis-come-back-to-life sequence. A lovely and revengefully twistfully sweet denouement. Mystery writer tres excellent!

vicious April 26, 2010 at 1:30 AM  

hey that was reaaaallly creepy ...seemed to miss quite a few here ...

Rajat April 28, 2010 at 8:23 AM  

mysterious short one.

Alexis April 29, 2010 at 3:24 AM  

This was so creepy! I loved it!

RepublicOfChic April 29, 2010 at 10:29 PM  

This gave me the heebie jeebies! LOVE it! :)

Vintage Obsession April 30, 2010 at 2:07 AM  

What happens nest ?? i really wanna know ?? when's the next post ?
Your freaking awesome :)
Vintage Obsession

kkrige April 30, 2010 at 7:42 PM  

oh, shivers. I like your spin on the prompt. Thanks for visiting my world.
Katherine

WINDOWLAD May 3, 2010 at 9:04 AM  

Hi!

Oh, dark and sad... yet excellently written with enough dose of compassion and wanting... Good luck!!!:)

It's really a blessing to be here again.... after almost a month of living in distress and wretchedness... but now, i'm movin' on and doin' great...!!!:)

A Blessed day!!!:)

>Kelvin

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:48 PM  

@Quackster : Thank u. I really wanted the readers to draw their own conclusions. whether its a ghost or has the supposedly murdered brother came back ;)

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:53 PM  

@Swapna : glad to have brought back the memories... sometimes they are more precious than even the present.. isn’t it?

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:53 PM  

@Vidya : thanks sweety :)

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:55 PM  

@ Silhouette : thanks :) ... not everyone actually got the ending though ;)

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:55 PM  

@Chiccoreal : I wanted ppl to keep guessing.. hence I didn’t clarify if it was a ghost or if the brother was actually alive :)

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:55 PM  

@Vicious : thanks :)

@Rajat : thanks :)

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:56 PM  

@Alexis : welcome to my blog. I m glad I succeeded in the chill factor ;)

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:56 PM  

@RepublicofChic : one of my fav words Heebie jeebies!

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:56 PM  

@Vintage obsession : what happened next is up to u to decide ;)

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:56 PM  

@Katherine : I loved ur blog :)

Chhaya May 6, 2010 at 12:56 PM  

@Windowlad : I am glad u are back! hope to see tons of Haiku!

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