If I could, I would - II

Monday, April 12, 2010

Click here to read the Part - 1

"You are early today. "

He says, not exactly meaning it to be a question.

It takes all my will power in that split second, to stop myself from replying with a "It’s none of your business, is it?"

I can almost see Ma shaking her head in disapproval, annoyed to see her daughter acting so rudely.
Instead, I go on auto-pilot. My eyes meet his, I smile, nod and then, I turn back towards the road, hoping that he will get the message.

When did I become like this?

Why have I become so cynical that every unnecessary conversation seems to be a direct path to confrontations?

Having to draw a boundary so that no stranger becomes a part of the routine.

No saying "Hi" every day. No talking about weather. And certainly no explaining if and why I am early on any day. The freedom of walking away from people and relationships.

There is disappointed idealist behind every cynic, they say.

Why do I run away from even the slightest hint of a bond?

It has been ages, yet, I can still hear someone say - "when was the last time a stranger broke your heart"
Strangers indeed don’t break your heart, as long as they stay strangers. He wasn’t a stranger. And see where I am today. I wait, I will for the phone in my pocket to ring.

I wish, I pray that he would call. Just to hear that voice again. Even though ...

Have you ever had your heart broken by someone you can’t bring yourself to hate? Even when they scar you for life? make you wary of everything you get attached to?

Have you ever loved someone so much, that all you can remember is the rhythm of their heart beating as they hold you in their arms.

The actual feeling of their being? Being able to just close your eyes and trace them with your fingers? Even when years have gone since you sat next to them...

Why is it that we can’t bring ourselves to stop loving someone even when we hate them for showing us exactly how vulnerable we are, we were.

Some say love needs sacrifice. Sacrificing our wish for someone else’s.

But is there anything that can be termed as sacrifice?

All we make are choices. Sometimes we like to sugar-coat them, calling it a sacrifice.

If I am ready to give my life for someone, then obviously I would rather have them living than myself. How can it be termed a sacrifice?

You are willing to stay hungry to feed your child, because that makes you happier.

A soldier dies for his country, because his honor is dearer to him.

We are selfish to our cores.

We always do what we ultimately want to do.

Breaking someone’s heart, or getting our broken.

If I was writing a story, I would make myself shed a silent tear. But then, crying is so damn tough. Blessedly, the skies open up and rain comes lashing. I hear people scrambling to get under the meagre shades.

I stay put, feeling the heavenly droplets washing away the death off me. Death of a part that will always be mine, even when it starts festering

Still wishing for the phone to ring with that familiar tune.

Still wishing I could call.

But then, if I could, I would...

To be continued ... soon... or may be not...

©2010 by Chhaya. All Rights Reserved

PS: kindly read this just a piece of writing. Nothing personal about this one :)... and yes, the image is googled.


Brian Miller April 12, 2010 at 4:02 PM  

continue it...i am intrigued...

itsyvitsy April 12, 2010 at 4:39 PM  


You have no idea whatsoever how much I am touched by this story. I am actually speechless and I don't know what to write here. But, I will try.

This is as good as it gets for me in understand the general notions of human psychology. Once hurt we are so overcautious not to let anyone in our life who can see how vulnerable you are and who can find another way of hurting you, just because we were gullible the first time round. That is natural, but are we closing ourselves to even genuine people from entering our lives? The man at the bus stand could well have been the right person for the girl, the one who wouldn't hurt her, who would see she is vulnerable and hence take all precautions to protect, not let her goodness be exploited by others. But then, a part of her is still living in the past, a baggage she refuses to set down.

I have a similar argument with the word "coward" (and its other isotopes) in Puneet's story like you have here with the word "sacrifice". It is quite funny how words get a meaning as per the terms and conditions relating to the people who created them. It is more of glorification that hides the real intent. Terming suicide cowardly seems as fake to me as letting go of a person as sacrifice. Just because the person did not reciprocate your feelings doesn't mean you have sacrificed anything. Also terming it as "his loss" makes me sick. Why can't people simply accept things for what they are worth and not simply try and use sugar-coated terminologies to satisfy their egos.

This girl here knows that she has to let go, the one that she has been clinging to for so long. Reluctance doesn't allow it, yet the rain comes in as a symbol for her to shed like it does. She sees the omen and she knows it is now or never. A thought is spared for the one who must've called. But she knows now, like she had a revelation, that if listening to his voice was so important to her then she could've called him herself. She realizes that she has already moved on. The familiar face of the stranger she sees at the bus stop everyday has somehow turned in to the unfamiliar face of the one who had once shared a part of him with her. Both are familiar, yet strangers and both are strangers, yet so familiar. Only a genius like you can bring about such contrasts and leave the readers with something about the story that lives on for a long time.

A beautiful story by you that shall remain with me for quite some time to come. I am sure sometime down the line I will return to read both parts again.

swapnanjali April 12, 2010 at 5:06 PM  

yes well said ...who can broke you heart they can't be strangers...those who are close to our heart ..they can only hurt us...

Me also sometime confused with love and sacrifies...and why we love that person...who leave us...who made us cry..

I feel we love that soul ...so we are expecting ...

jonna April 12, 2010 at 7:23 PM  

it was so wonderful..and i can really really relate to this..your questions strike through me like an invisible dart..you make me realize so many things..:P

(ps. check out my latest post if you have time,,.thanks :3)

Anonymous,  April 12, 2010 at 8:59 PM  

please please continue...and please dont take as long as u did for the 2nd part :)


Shanu April 12, 2010 at 9:21 PM  

Wow! I have been left speechless..yet again!

You are one amazing storyteller girl! Keep writing :)

IdleMind April 12, 2010 at 10:04 PM  

Disappointed idealist is a wonderful expression for a cynic. Loved the idea of embracing the stranger into love, but then when was a stranger cruel? It's only our selfishness that sees them differently, just when they don't meet our expectations. Strange are we, at times, aren't we?

But then that call remains elusive. A stranger who has bonded remains so close to our soul. A person, who even away, does feel like coming close each day. We never sacrifice, we cling to those moments of our life. We neither depart, nor allow the soulmate to be away.

We do wish, just so that the relations remain the way we want. We remain strangers, don't we?

Eon Heath April 12, 2010 at 10:53 PM  

hmmm, after reading this part, i guess i did read it earlier too....wow!!

i always felt, "Expectations" are the cause for most of our miseries...The girl always expects the call, the reason for her not letting other emotions surround her...yet, a part of her knows that that call wouldnt come, so, the bitterness...

i guess, everyone has the right to live their life on their own terms...the girl chooses to wait for that call, she chooses to protect herself from getting shattered, again...she chooses to get drenched, to let the rain calm her being...its her choice, her right to be herself....

well, as for the guy at the bus stop, may be he should try the trian station next time... hehehe...

take care...

the silhouette...

RAJ47 April 13, 2010 at 8:08 AM  

She should perform a Besana and get on with life! Or has she already done it by taking bath in the rain!!

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 10:28 AM  

@Brian : thank u. I would like to continue it as long as people don’t continue giving me Grandma advices (it has already started)

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 10:40 AM  

@Vittal : I cudnt have described it better. You have read the soul of this one. Yes, she is surely someone who always believes in moving on. In fact, the urge to move on has always been her first instinct. The pain and perhaps the humiliation were just the catalysts. she wouldn’t have stayed even without them.

she likes to analyze life on her own terms, she likes to challenge the set notions about morality. And man, is she glad to have a reader who actually reads the lines, and between them too :)

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 10:55 AM  

@Swapna : I think as human beings, Hope and Wishes are our surviving tools. we always expect things to get better. and I think its a nice thing, even if we get hurt in return.

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 10:57 AM  

@Ayu : thats all I can ask for... my readers looking at things from a different PoV after reading me.
PS: I have already read ur latest and will keep doing so :)

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 10:59 AM  

@Ashlon : I will try :)

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 11:08 AM  

@idlemind: she isn’t embracing the stranger in love or otherwise but I love your take on this. its an interesting view of the life.
strangers, yes – we remain strangers even to ourselves . agree with u there :)

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 12:09 PM  

@Silhouette : Seriously? No No and No to almost everything you said here. Thats not at all what I was trying to convey.
She is not expecting the call. there is a huge difference I wishing and expecting.
She is not exactly waiting for the call. You didn’t get the undercurrent of this composition. She is not someone who would try to protect herself.
Arrghhhh.... it annoys me when of all people, someone like you misses the whole point. you know me better :)

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 12:12 PM  

@RAJ : I am sure Emily Brontë must have pulled her hair if someone had given her such a advise to be applied on the life of Heathcliff and Catherine.
I am trying not to do it. But such advises for a piece of writing puts me off writing for a long long time

Tarun Goel April 13, 2010 at 2:59 PM  

.We all are selfish to the core.

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 4:40 PM  

@Tarun : I knew i cud count on u!!!

Ayn Rand ki Jai Ho :)

Chhaya April 13, 2010 at 4:51 PM  

@the silhouette : oh, one more thing, No, u have never read this one ever. I finished writing it just an hour before I posted :P

Dhyan kidhar hai Munna?

chitra April 13, 2010 at 8:14 PM  

Visiting here first time but promise you it won't be the last.shall like to continue my visits here. You write well. I like and admire people who have a way with words.
Following you too.
take care.

RAJ47 April 13, 2010 at 10:11 PM  

Hi Chhaya,
Never wanted to be hurtful. Sorry.
I guess I was carried away by emotions in the story. I always try to relate everything to things around me.
I had also seen a very terrifying video coverage recently.
Its called "Collateral Murder". You can google it easily. See it if you have time.

Tarun Goel April 13, 2010 at 11:16 PM  

I read it again and liked it again.

John April 14, 2010 at 6:07 AM  

This is a powerful passage and it makes one think about relationships and the act of strangers. Are we truly selfish to the core? I would like to say no, that sometimes we do act out of selflessness.

As for relationships, the connection and bond that makes one vulnerable though scary can actually create synergy of a bond that is greater than the sum of two individuals. I've been hurt, but it strives for me to work harder and improve so that synergistic bond becomes a reality.

Galaxy6139 April 14, 2010 at 6:29 PM  

how sad your story is... hope it would not happen to anyone else ^-^

vidya April 15, 2010 at 3:14 AM  

Very beautifully written with the emotions tugging the heart..waiting for the continuation:)

Opaque April 15, 2010 at 4:38 AM  

There is nothing more I could possibly add to this post than what we'd already discussed.

Rudely or cautiously, is one of the questions that come to mind considering the times we are in today.

Behind every cynic, is a disheartened idealist. That's just a fact. You can take it from me, and you know that very well. A cynic are realistic well informed optimists. Not many people get that. Actually, mostly people don't get that. So, is that a reason to change? NO!

Stranger is danger! Although we know someone, do we know someone completely? Even a tiny gap makes that person a stranger, doesn't it? A stranger to me is a friend I have not yet met. But, it is also an enemy I have not encountered.

Talking about sacrifices, phew! you know, you should discuss this with my sweetheart. She corrected me when I slipped on this matter. And, she is the best person who can elaborate on the meaning of the word and its appropriate usage. I don't want to mention anything here. You know very well what I am writing about. Keep it to yourself.

Humans are selfish. There is no doubt about it. So, it was a big thing when I (and you know me well) declared myself to and for someone else. Even she was surprised, and overwhelmed. And, I have never stooped from doing so, touch wood! It takes a lot for a person to say it if and when they mean it that they are someone else's now. It takes a lot to be selfless. I will guarantee to you that there are selfless people around. But, they are so scarce that it is hard to find someone like that. But, even in them, you will notice that they are only categorically selfless.

Yes, I used to thank the rain in the past for the same reasons the character here does. But, I must say, that now, things are different. As I mentioned to you, I look at the mirror and ask, "Look what "you've" done to me", and you know whom I mean. And, I am glad for these changes because those weren't her intentions at all. She fell in love with me, the guy when I was, well, you know, hehe.

Ultimately, humans do what they want to do. But, I request them to do what they need to do. And, I believe the character here will do what is needed to be done.

Umm, am I supposed to add a line here to appreciate the post? Haven't I written and implied enough?

Swat April 16, 2010 at 11:42 AM  

please continue..
It is very interesting..

blueapple April 16, 2010 at 12:00 PM  

dear,m glad your back.
well, this time, i enjoyed ur story and i was waiting fro the second part.i agree there is no question of scarifice atleast in love, in death it is, not that all soldiers die for the fame or name, i don't agree, soldiers don't die for just the name or because the profession demands, imagine the trauma of leaving behind your wife, the children who will grow fatherless,he dies not juts for his profession, ofcourse, he is passionate abt his job,but, he has sacrificied hismself for all the worthly pleasures only to guard a nation...

and someone makes you vulnerable, ofcourse, call it love, call it weakness, call it vulnerability, it makes us human, in such times, we understand the value of pain, we mellow down a lot in our approach towards others...well written,keep going and write more often!!!

Chhaya April 19, 2010 at 8:56 AM  

@Chitra: thank u so much... Just the fact that someone takes time out to read me is a big compliment :)

Chhaya April 19, 2010 at 8:58 AM  

@Raj : I know u didn’t want to be hurtful, its just that I find it amusing when people suggest things to do to mere characters. If everyone was able to move on with life, there wud be far lesser literary pieces.
and yeah, I have watched that video

Chhaya April 19, 2010 at 8:58 AM  

@John (Quackster) : for me, Selfish is not a dirty word. what I am trying to express is that we ultimately chose between different choices. and whenever we make a choice, its cant be selfless simply because we chose what we wanted to. be it someone else’s well-being, happiness, freedom, love, smile etc... even if it meant giving up on something we values. Because ultimately, that someone’s well-being, happiness, freedom, love, smile etc means more to us that our own. How can making a choice be a sacrifice?

Chhaya April 19, 2010 at 8:58 AM  

@Galaxy : I did write it, but its not my story :)

Chhaya April 19, 2010 at 8:58 AM  

@Swat : I will try :)

Chhaya April 19, 2010 at 8:59 AM  

@Blueapple : I will just repeat what I said to John - for me, Selfish is not a dirty word. what I am trying to express is that we ultimately chose between different choices. and whenever we make a choice, its cant be selfless simply because we chose what we wanted to. be it someone else’s well-being, happiness, freedom, love, smile etc... even if it meant giving up on something we values. Because ultimately, that someone’s well-being, happiness, freedom, love, smile etc means more to us that our own. How can making a choice be a sacrifice?

Chhaya April 19, 2010 at 9:00 AM  

@Brosreview : As always, you know what exactly I meant by all those lines. I think it helps when you can kind of identify with the writer’s thinking.
I dont have to explain myself to you :) ... you very well know what I mean by sacrifices and selfishness. I talk of them in a mathematical expression.
I dont wanna make reference to the blessed one here, but you know what I feel about it :) ... I m so glad for u.
PS: I still recommend that u get ur hands on The Fountainhead ... I have just taken the Ayn Rand philosophy one step further.

Preethi Prabhu April 21, 2010 at 5:48 AM  

I am speechless. I dont know what to say about the story. Just that i enjoyed reading it.

suneel sharma April 30, 2010 at 1:27 PM  


very nice and a commonly seen story.

Sacrifice your ego,love will fall in through every door.

Confrontations are the first step to get souls closer.

its not about I rather about us,once you reach that point in love you will never wait for the call,every wait would be a call.

Love your writing though,nice story telling skills.

Live to Love,
Erase the silence,to see heavens above.
Love will find a way,
Walk in your door,Don't let it go away.


Chhaya April 30, 2010 at 2:54 PM  

@Preethi : thank u dear :)

Chhaya April 30, 2010 at 3:01 PM  

@Suneel : living for someone else is not what love is, for me.

and if one needs to sacrifice his/her own personality to achieve so called true love, then it cant be love in the first place. its just a compromise.

Love should be the acceptance of imperfections. there should be a buffer zone where you accept each other as you are. never trying to change yourself or the other person.

and the love for oneself is the primary requirement for love for anyone else... if you dont love yourself, you cant love anyone else completely.

at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.

Objectivism is the ultimate reality, for me at least. and it teaches me to never wish for any other person to change for me and vice versa

PS: i m 100% sure you will differ from my PoV, but i never want to influence how others think...

and yes, thanks a lot for dropping by and reading it. as i said, its just a story. nothing else. :)

suneel sharma April 30, 2010 at 4:23 PM  

hmmm quite perturbed :)

see girl,if ego defines your personality ,cant say anything.

Love is selfless devotion n cant differ ,what you talk about is loving self and even an animal does it.

sorry don mind ,m like this cant keep it inside,aapne to tarun goel ka blog pada hi hai,mein wahi nalayak hoon

Chhaya April 30, 2010 at 4:48 PM  

@Suneel : you didn't understand what i said. not at all.

and dont worry i wont mind, cz i dont expect everyone to understand my PoV in the first place... at least not at the very beginning

so no harm, no foul

i blv in freedom of opinion and you are free to think that i think like an animal :)

suneel sharma May 3, 2010 at 1:27 PM  

if i would understand ,i would also be in agreement with the world dear.

still i will make an attempt

Anonymous,  May 5, 2010 at 12:07 AM  

"..We are selfish to our cores.

We always do what we ultimately want to do.

Breaking someone’s heart, or getting our broken ..."

i could so relate to these lines.
Life is truly a sum of all our choices that we make ..luvd this post..
do continue it ..plz :)

Chhaya May 5, 2010 at 12:38 PM  

@Suneel : ha! A majority of a number few decimals more than one i guess :)

but then.... if you could, you would... ;)

Chhaya May 5, 2010 at 12:39 PM  

@Annmous : it indeed is :)

i will try to continue... thank u for looking from my perspective

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