If I could, I would

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Can you go back to the day when the life was going through the biggest change… yet it all used to make sense?

Can dreams be broken? Do they ever shatter, in pieces as fragile as the virgin snow? Do they melt away when you try to hold them on your fingers?

Do you ever know how the day is going to end when you leave home in the morning? Do you ever really know someone?
One word, one breath – one drop of rain can change everything.

It’s still too hot. I have never been a fan of Delhi’s extreme winter, but the summer is something I really hate.

If only it would rain. Right now.

But its here to stay. Few more months and then I will have the lesser of the two evils. Or will I? What is keeping me in this city? Did I find what I came searching for? Or did I lose whatever I already had?

If only god would give me one sign. If only he would tell me what to do. Oh! I am so tired, but the day has just begun.

If only it would rain today....

I stand and wait for the bus. The bus stop is almost deserted. Hummmm, its only 7:30 in the morning. Not everyone is too fond of starting the day so early. Oh yes, that guy is. We take the bus together every morning, but we never talk.
I don’t know him. Not at all.

But do we ever know someone? You may spend your whole life with a person, thinking that he was just an extension of your own soul, but after years, you find a side to him that makes him a complete stranger.

How long does it take to know a person?
One day?

One month?

One year?


Do you believe in the word “soulmate”? For god’s sake.. its not even a word.. My spell check so nicely marks it with a red worm...

What do you do when you find a lie, woven into the fabric of trust?

Do you try to pull it out? Do you try to rip it off? But then, can you make yourself do it?

Destroy something that means so much to you? Or do you ignore the obscene spot, and wear it, as if you haven’t even noticed it?

What hurts more – a lie, told to keep you in dark, or the truth that was hidden by the person who means the world to you, to keep you close, save you from pain?

Aahh, forget it.

About the guy? Oh well, he will get off at the same stop as mine and then he will smile. A smile that I never bother to return. It’s too much of an effort – smiling.

Why is he looking so disturbed today? May be it’s the heat.

It’s got to be the heat…

If only it would rain. Thundering crazy rain. That is ONE sign that God can give, without disclosing his address.

The bus is here....


What gets you through a day? Work? Or the wait for the moment when you will be let off to go home to someone who would be waiting for you? Or someone you would wait for.

Have you ever waited for the work hours to be over just so that you can enjoy the time it takes you to reach the place you sleep at?

I must leave. Those crowded buses seem to be the place to find the perfect solitude. I look out of the glass window. The sky is getting dark. It’s not my usual time to leave… but what the heck…

The same road looks unfamiliar in the twilight. As unfamiliar as this city, even after years. The tiny cell-phone sits snugly in my back pocket.

Have you ever wondered how easy it is to talk to someone if you want to? But what do you do when all you want to share is the silence? Have you ever waited for someone to call so that you don’t look like someone who is ‘desperate’? Is it the Ego that stops you?

Or is it self-defence?

Have you ever longed to be with someone in this twilight – the time when the boundaries of the harsh day and the tranquil night are blurred? Have you ever felt your heart bursting with the desire to be with the one… just walking together on the pavement… sitting together – without having to talk?

To hold.. to be held… to hear the heartbeats …. to be able to feel?

Have you ever met someone like that? Does it hurt when you realize that they never belonged to you?

Do lies hurt you too?
Why do they hurt so bad?

Is it the shame of being a fool? Or is it the fact that you fell for your own fantasies?

Do we only see what we want to see?

Does it hurt when someone loves you so madly that they are ready to lie.. to keep you close…. but not enough to trust you with the truth?

What do you do when you stumble upon it? Do you confront? Or do you feel too scared… scared of breaking the bond that has become your life?

Do you live those lies? Do you pretend that nothing has changed? Do you start feeling guilty that you found what was supposed to be hidden forever?

Why is "Soulmate" a word with a red worm underneath it? Yeah, I am still thinking about it... it’s not even a word!!!! I feel like laughing till I get tears in my eyes.

If only I could get tears in my eyes.

Life and Love are the Four Letter Words .. created by God himself..

I smirk.

Walking to the bus stop was like a therapy.. but why do I wish that the guy was here? Yes, the same guy who takes the bus with me in the morning, well... he doesn’t return with me.

I feel so tired.. Maybe I will just sit on the steel bench.. I love them... Steel – my favorite. More dear than gold! Hah.. Stainless steel… do you know why it’s called stainless? Well, some other day.. just know that it’s “stain less” and not “stain proof” … I smile to myself.

Did I just feel a breeze on my face? Yes I did. It’s getting stronger. Clouds!

Ahhhh. Let me just untie my hair… let me ‘feel the wind in my hair’ as they say it. Let it fall on my face.

what a used to death cliché!

No, I won’t try to tuck it behind my ears like I always do. Most people compliment me for my long hair.. then why do I try to hide it? Why do I keep it tied up? What am I scared of?

The bus is here….
Should I catch it?

Let it go… another one will come.. let me just sit here…

Have you ever been lost, looking at something that does not exist. just sitting somewhere, your eyes unfocused, your mind in a trance..? Thinking about something that never was… something make-believe

Lies… all lies….

I feel someone’s presence before I turn my head to find that he is sitting right next to me. His face is still disturbed but he manages to give me a smile.

This is the first time that I notice that he smells great.
And this is the first time that I smile back…

Click here to read more ...

© 2009 by Chhaya. All Rights Reserved



Maya March 23, 2010 at 8:24 PM  

i had read it before, still i read all again.. and it still feels very fresh... one of ur best writing...

some how i get the feel of the narrator being a male, i know u portrayed it as female.. but there is something masculine abt it..

u shud have been a copy writer..

Maya March 23, 2010 at 8:27 PM  

and after reading this again,, i m realising what writing is about... its not just about communication.. it has to be like a painting, done carefully, beautifully to evoke the right emotions... i thought it just to be a skill but actually it is a art..

thnx for posting this again, i did learn something today

Brian Miller March 23, 2010 at 8:41 PM  

wow. great stream of thought piece...a truth hidden is more painful i believe, but that would be a lie any way...

Shanu March 23, 2010 at 10:22 PM  

I had read this one earlier too..waiting for the second part :)

RHYTHM AND RHYME March 23, 2010 at 10:48 PM  

You need rain, we want to get rid of it......the Lord can't please everyone.
I can remember the day when life as I knew it, come the following day it would change for ever.
One day life was normal the next my husband was told he had cancer, he made a recovery of sorts but the following year he had terminal brain cancer.He passed away 2 months after my mum.
Life has never been the same but I do have a life to live and try hard to be a success.


Rachana March 23, 2010 at 10:48 PM  

I don't know what I felt the first time I read it, but at this point all the questions and the confusion resonate with how I feel. Thanks for sharing it again.

Ajai March 23, 2010 at 11:46 PM  

Ah... How much I missed reading your posts? Nice thoughts these. I sometimes think along the same lines. I'm still fuguring out most of the same things so I have no advice or good word to give. But do keep the writing coming. I LIKE! :)

vidya March 24, 2010 at 3:56 AM  

Chhaya..this write-up is awesome! I just hope you have not experienced the pain and solitude depicted here. yeah, summer (heat /suffocation,sorrow) is The time when we really crave for rains
(calm ,freedom,joy).
Dont keep the suspense for too long now about mysterious guy. Eagerly waiting for the continuation..

RAJ47 March 24, 2010 at 7:13 AM  

I hope it wasn't Old Spice that you smelled on him.
It is a nice feeling that someone is looking forward to meeting you - whether at the bus stop or at the work place or at home. Keep a pet if you are a bachelor. You will feel the pain of separation and the joy of reunion every single day, morning and evening, every single moment of the day!!
Well, it does hurt real bad. Whether the person is your soulmate or not. Immaterial how well you knew him. Couldn’t care less if he was good or bad. That person is yours – you had connected with him some way or the other. I am sure many of us would remember the special people we meet on occasions, on bus stops, on the street, in the restaurants only for fraction of our lifetimes but we remember the faces forever. Yesterday, I lost one of my dear friends to a severe brain hemorrhage. It was a great shock when the strong Lady - the strongest one I have ever met - called to tell us that he was brain dead and likely to go in for organ donation. One really does not know even how to react. It really does hurt!!!
One never knows where the bus of life will take you - to your destination or to some unknown place from where you will need to restart all over again.
But anyway, catch it you must!

Chhaya March 24, 2010 at 8:54 AM  

@Uncommon Sense : Thank you for the kind words. It always makes my day when I get reactions like this. Even better are the moments when I realize that I made my reader think about what I wrote. I prefer to write in a way that can mean different things to different people.
About writing being an art. it is, indeed. I firmly blv that u cant learn to write in classrooms. You may leanr to write better, but it has to start within you.
And about you feeling that the narrator is a man, it might be because this girl (the narrator) is a very tough one. She is someone who is not a stereotypical girly girl. the narration may sound masculine because these thoughts are generally associated with men. Girls are supposed to cry and vent their feelings with spoken words.
This girl, the narrator prefers to talk to herself and sort out her life.

Chhaya March 24, 2010 at 9:03 AM  

@Brian : exactly my feelings :)
thanx for liking it. I am just so glad that I m finally ready with the next part.

Chhaya March 24, 2010 at 10:58 AM  

@Shanu : yes, I am ready with the next part :)

Chhaya March 24, 2010 at 10:58 AM  

@Rachna : thank u sweetheart

Chhaya March 24, 2010 at 10:59 AM  

@Yvonne : I can never get enough of rain or thunders. :)
life is so unpredictable. sometimes I feel that even a second is enough to change our lives forever. that’s why I put those thoughts in the write up.
I m very sorry for your loss Yvonne. I know this is a pain that we cant exactly get over. May God give you strength and happiness always

Chhaya March 24, 2010 at 11:03 AM  

@Ajai : I m glad u like the way I write :)
but dude, I m not looking for sympathies or support etc. Read this like a piece of writing, ok? Mario Puzo didn’t have to be a Mafioso to write The Godfather , did he? ;)

Chhaya March 24, 2010 at 11:05 AM  

@RAJ : i m sorry to hear abt ur friend...

and i agree with ur opinion...

PS: no need to suggest pets to me, to make me feel wanted and loved. i am very happy with my life. I m one of the happiest persons you can imagine. kindly read what i write as a piece of writing, unless i state otherwise :)

jonna March 24, 2010 at 11:30 AM  

nice posts..esp. the very moving questions~ :P

visit my blog if you have time :3

Chhaya March 24, 2010 at 12:38 PM  

@Ayu : thnx :)

already visited ur blog :)

♫♪♥PhilO♥♪♫ March 24, 2010 at 2:56 PM  

Just came across your blog. I love your blog name. Can somehow relate to it!
You have a beautiful blog! Keep it up :)

RAJ47 March 24, 2010 at 3:08 PM  

Hi Chhaya,
Actually, the comment was not addressed to you in particular (if you notice my other comments, they generally are). If you notice, I had written "bachelor" and not spinster. Right.
Sorry for the confusion.
I don't think this is a sad post, so don't worry. As it is I don't like people to change for somebody else.
Anyway, I do want you to have a pet so that atleast one animal's life(and I mean the pet's life) will change for the good.
You didn't mention about the old spice part?

Sorcerer March 24, 2010 at 5:54 PM  

Hey!! Nice one!! :)
wonderful writeup!

Opaque March 25, 2010 at 4:21 AM  

I do not want to write much to this, because as you know me (how much ever of me that you know), I think of all this.

My most favorite part (this you know as we've discussed about this) is the question of knowing someone. It is hard to completely know someone. It is even hard for someone to know themselves completely. Soul mate is not necessarily based on knowing someone, but on understanding someone. Two pieces of a puzzle join together, but they still have a crack in between.

It is human to err, it is human to feel hurt. I don't think it is necessary closeness that determines it. Well, yes, closeness will determine the span of hurt and its intensity. Why would be sympathize on unknown people who die victims to an act of terror?

We love to see what we want to see because we can only handle what we can handle. We don't want to go beyond because it "may" hurt us. I have learnt that the hard way. Still, I do not refrain myself from seeing all that can be seen. But, personalities are different.

I have gotten lost looking for someone to such an extent that I stopped looking. Then, she came along. And, things have been much better ever since.

Both a lie and the truth for a specific benefit hurts. I have experienced it. But, I reckon a lie could become inconsolable. If the positive light in the reason behind the hidden truth is further highlighted, there could be a chance of understanding.

A very profound post. As far as I know you, this is very much like you. You see things that others do not. Or may be they do, but they fear to acknowledge it. You do not. I have and am going to complement you for the same. Keep writing, artist!

kelvin s.m. March 25, 2010 at 9:20 AM  

...bein' new here in your place i could say, i'm already in awe... i think you've expressed all the bitterness and sadness and confusion in this short post... and, yes... if i could... i definitely would.... cheers!!!:)

P.S. thanks for droppin' by and appreciating my poems.... i'm glad you liked it.... you're always welcome and free to come back again... Don't be shy!!!:P

Good day!!!:)



Swathy March 25, 2010 at 9:40 AM  

very interospective work!!
I felt like I ve asked a lot of these questions myself at some point..
or may be everyone has..or only some have...whatever :D
I felt as though I was looking at a simple yet beautiful picture, you seem to have had a very natural flow of thought and woven tham into this fiction/story.simple words :loved it!!waiting for the next part..
jaldi..jaldi.. :)

blueapple March 25, 2010 at 10:18 AM  

thanks for stopping by and ur comments.
i liked this, i am a loner who is never lonely..
this post is well written..
keep going..
and it just runs so smoothly like the breeze...waiting for the second part

Chhaya March 25, 2010 at 11:52 AM  

@WINK : first of all, welcome to my blog.
I am glad u like the title. Do go through what I write whenever u feel like. I am always looking forward to feedback, positive or otherwise :)
PS: I will surely visit u

Chhaya March 25, 2010 at 11:54 AM  

@RAJ : I stand corrected then :)
btw, I do have pets. Goldfish :)
and abt the way the guy smelled – I always leave these interpretations to the readers. Whatever feels like a good smell to the one who is reading

Chhaya March 25, 2010 at 11:57 AM  

@Sorcerer : Dude, did u even read it? ;)

Chhaya March 25, 2010 at 12:00 PM  

@Brosreview : I know :) . and I read u. each word and the thought behind it.
Sometimes I see too much. It’s a gift, it’s a curse. But I am not complaining. Not yet :)

Chhaya March 25, 2010 at 12:21 PM  

@Windowlad : I m glad u found this a short post. I am worried when I write this much, worried that most ppl will just skim through it .

And yes, I will surely keep visiting u.

Chhaya March 25, 2010 at 12:28 PM  

@Sawthy : thank u so much. and yes, next part will be p very soon :)
My aim behind my writing is that I wanna let my reader think and make their own conclusions :)

Chhaya March 25, 2010 at 12:39 PM  

@Blueapple : thank u so much :)

Chhaya March 25, 2010 at 12:48 PM  

@Lincoln : oh it does :)

itsyvitsy March 25, 2010 at 4:05 PM  


I think I have read this piece, but I wonder why I don't see my comment here! May be I was so taken I just couldn't bring myself to write a comment.

Why is she lonely and lost? What does she want to see? What is she so sure she is not afraid of? Why has her life things that happen in a particular order, she thinks she doesn't care for them, but when it is missing she is rattled? Why are her emotions so hardened that she can't afford to smile or cry? Why has she not moved on from reminding herself about confronting the lie or living the lie? What does she want to do when it finally rains (i.e. when something happens the way she wanted it to happen)?

I am sure you understand that I am not looking for answers. The answers are there, just obscured to the reader behind a veil of subtle expressions, emotions and thoughts.

The reprieve at the end is quite promising. She has finally managed to smile, and I can see that things have started falling in place or so I believe it is. Hoping to read the continuation soon.

On the writing. I like the expressions in this story. They are very deep in meaning. The questions are so carefully crafted and placed that builds the mood and tempo. You have taken a dive into the mind's deepest thoughts.

Anonymous,  March 25, 2010 at 4:07 PM  

Meri cmts last me q hoti he? Ans. Is. 'if i could, i would..'

is post k itne saare qstns exam season ka AABHASH kara jaate he!

'soulmate summer' is d best title according 2 me, b'coz summer k noon jaisi life picturized ki gayi hai, aur soulmate- soulmate ko dhundho, jaano, pahechano, aur fake nikle, to.. Rain ka intezaar karo.. Taraste raho,

aur haan, dusre qstns k answers dhundhna free hai ;-)

uff, shayad me ulaz gya, is post ko padh ke ;-)

IdleMind March 25, 2010 at 4:27 PM  

The concept of the soulmate (aah, i get that red worm too!) keeps coming back as we embark on a journey to read our souls. You can work wonders with this concept, knowing fully well that such concepts are heavenly to think of.

In real life, we do get used to lies ... we also get used to being hard from outside. The softer us is mostly revealed in times when we are not happy ... but then do those times reflect in writing?

I wish they do, but then these questions remain worthy of mention ... aah, they do seem like being posed by a modern day Yaksha to a Yudhistir (pardon my figment of weird imagination).

buckingfastard March 25, 2010 at 11:18 PM  

love loneliness and delhi summer...bound to make a good combination...

i wish love was not so hard...i wish we could read minds...

PointSingularity86 March 26, 2010 at 1:03 AM  

Too many "unknowns", too many inferences and I loved it! Narration somehow elegantly catches a thought process, an experience. How didya manage that??!!

Just like different compilers interpret code differently, so do we individual humans ;)

...and If only it would rain normally this season!!! ;)
& i'm really sick of this G-class star burning me this summer

swapnanjali March 26, 2010 at 6:14 PM  

So many things My GOD...Chhaya hatts off to you ...

how can you manage to link up so nicely your thoughts.....
for me i just forget everything...in the next moment...

yes soulmate ...me bit confused ...whom we can call soulmate...who is taking care of us or the person who can know us better then us...

Love and Life are two side of coins i feel...

yes sometime me too feeling like to wait for next turn....as i know my mood is terrible...

Happy week end dear

Chhaya March 26, 2010 at 7:45 PM  

@Vittal : I was definitely not looking for answers, as you rightly understood. Sometimes questions are answers themselves.
I love the way you interpret my writings. Always paying attention to all the details. and u always understand me very well.
after going through all the feedbacks, I m incorporating these thoughts in the next instalment :)

Chhaya March 26, 2010 at 7:47 PM  

@Crazzy : u always make me smile :)

Chhaya March 26, 2010 at 7:48 PM  

@idlemind : the Youdhishthir and Yaksha concept makes total sense to me :)
and I think we (u and I) have always had similar thought processes ...

Chhaya March 26, 2010 at 7:52 PM  

@buckingfastard : I guess love is so damn painful bcz we invariably depend on the other person to make us happy.
and about reading minds, be careful what you wish for. its a very hurtful power. I wish I cud stop reading minds :)

Chhaya March 26, 2010 at 7:54 PM  

@PointSingularity : I understand what you mean... really.
and yes, I hate Summer.... so much. but we cant actually live without that G-class star, so lets just grin and bear it ;)

Chhaya March 26, 2010 at 7:55 PM  

@Swapnanjali : it wasn’t easy sweetheart. it took me more than a year to come up with the next instalments. sometimes whats in our hearts is the toughest thing to access

will be posting the next part in a couple of days :)

Ahsanul Karim March 27, 2010 at 1:51 PM  

lovely to read. It really teels about heart feeling

jonna March 27, 2010 at 1:51 PM  

the first award you can have it..i am sharing it to all my dear followers :)

Sneha March 29, 2010 at 8:45 PM  

You are a very very poignant writer indeed, Chayya. Have read your novel at 4IW. It'd be great interacting with you !

Ajai March 30, 2010 at 12:01 AM  

oh... and that part abt liking your writing... made it up... spur of the moment thing. :P

Ajai March 30, 2010 at 12:01 AM  

Good point. But you somehow would get drawn in to the whole mafia thing right? you could relate to the stuff? that was what i was trying to bring across.

Anonymous,  March 30, 2010 at 11:16 PM  

hi Chhaya!

for "soulmate" i think it means a lot... when i type my name that red worm crawls under but still that name means to me... same goes with soulmate...

there is one fact that i believe... i myself should be truthful, if i am truthful then no lie can bother me; even if it does then it would be temporary.

Eon Heath April 1, 2010 at 10:44 PM  


when you last posted it, honestly, i didnt read it...i guess you know am a bit too lazy to read such looooooooong posts. But, since you posted it again, i visited your blog thrice...FINALLY, i read it...
well, to be honest i donno where to start...
hardened up emotions, already complicated life, a few scars that are yet to heal...
so many things...i would rather wait for the next part...

about your writing, :) like i always say, 'you are the best'

the silhouette...

Preethi Prabhu April 2, 2010 at 2:22 AM  

Hi Chhaya,
Its my first time here and i enjoyed this piece of writing. My mind was visualizing the scenes in full as i was progressing with the reading. I could also relate to a few of the thoughts and i am strangely relieved that im not the only one with a chain of thoughts, when it was a small little sub conscious thing that triggered it.
I must admit, online reading is something that i started very recently. After reading Vittal and You, I am delighted. Someday when i have the time, i shall go back to ur archives and read them all. Thank you for the wonderful compositions.

Swathy April 9, 2010 at 4:06 PM  

I ve moved to here

http://btwnearthsky.wordpress.com from http://swathyk.blogspot.com/

Hope you ll visit me :)


Chhaya April 12, 2010 at 6:16 PM  

@Ayu : thank u so much :)

Chhaya April 12, 2010 at 6:17 PM  

@ Ahsan : thank u so much :)

Chhaya April 12, 2010 at 6:17 PM  

@ Sneha : thank u so much :)

Chhaya April 12, 2010 at 6:17 PM  

@Ajai : getting drawn into and being fascinated is not the same thing as being a mafia, is it? Guns fascinate me, but I am not a shooter, am i? :P

Chhaya April 12, 2010 at 6:17 PM  

ABanerji : so very well put. totally agree with u there.

Chhaya April 12, 2010 at 6:18 PM  

@the-silhouette : I read ur silence :)

Chhaya April 12, 2010 at 6:19 PM  

@Preethi : these thoughts are indeed in every heart. But not everyone dares to tread on them. I am glad you could connect to it. :)
Vittal always inspires me too!

Chhaya April 12, 2010 at 6:19 PM  

@Swathy : surely I will :)

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