Part II - Fact, Fiction...

Monday, June 29, 2009

New Delhi, evening of a random day in the month of August, a few years back

What gets you through a day? Work? Or the wait for the moment when you will be let off to go home to someone who would be waiting for you? Or someone you would wait for.

Have you ever waited for the work hours to be over just so that you can enjoy the time it takes you to reach the place you sleep at?

I must leave. Those crowded buses seem to be the place to find the perfect solitude. I look out of the glass window. The sky is getting dark. It’s not my usual time to leave… but what the heck…

The same road looks unfamiliar in the twilight. As unfamiliar as this city, even after years. The tiny cell-phone sits snugly in my back pocket.

Have you ever wondered how easy it is to talk to someone if you want to? But what do you do when all you want to share is the silence? Have you ever waited for someone to call so that you don’t look like someone who is ‘desperate’? Is it the Ego that stops you?

Or is it self-defence?

Have you ever longed to be with someone in this twilight – the time when the boundaries of the harsh day and the tranquil night are blurred? Have you ever felt your heart bursting with the desire to be with the one… just walking together on the pavement… sitting together – without having to talk?

To hold.. to be held… to hear the heartbeats …. to be able to feel?

Have you ever met someone like that? Does it hurt when you realize that they never belonged to you?

Do lies hurt you too?
Why do they hurt so bad?

Is it the shame of being a fool? Or is it the fact that you fell for your own fantasies?

Do we only see what we want to see?

Does it hurt when someone loves you so madly that they are ready to lie.. to keep you close…. but not enough to trust you with the truth?

What do you do when you stumble upon it? Do you confront? Or do you feel too scared… scared of breaking the bond that has become your life?

Do you live those lies? Do you pretend that nothing has changed? Do you start feeling guilty that you found what was supposed to be hidden forever?

Why is "Soulmate" a word with a red worm underneath it? Yeah, I am still thinking about it... it’s not even a word!!!! I feel like laughing till I get tears in my eyes.

If only I could get tears in my eyes.

Life and Love are the Four Letter Words .. created by God himself..

I smirk.

Walking to the bus stop was like a therapy.. but why do I wish that the guy was here? Yes, the same guy who takes the bus with me in the morning, well... he doesn’t return with me.

I feel so tired.. Maybe I will just sit on the steel bench.. I love them... Steel – my favourite. More dear than gold! Hah.. Stainless steel… do you know why it’s called stainless? Well, some other day.. just know that it’s “stain less” and not “stain proof” … I smile to myself.

Did I just feel a breeze on my face? Yes I did. It’s getting stronger. Clouds!

Ahhhh. Let me just untie my hair… let me ‘feel the wind in my hair’ as they say it. Let it fall on my face.

what a used to death cliché!

No, I won’t try to tuck it behind my ears like I always do. Most people compliment me for my long hair.. then why do I try to hide it? Why do I keep it tied up? What am I scared of?

The bus is here….
Should I catch it?

Let it go… another one will come.. let me just sit here…

Have you ever been lost, looking at something that does not exist. just sitting somewhere, your eyes unfocused, your mind in a trance..? Thinking about something that never was… something make-believe …

Lies… all lies….

I feel someone’s presence before I turn my head to find that he is sitting right next to me. His face is still disturbed but he manages to give me a smile.

This is the first time that I notice that he smells great.
And this is the first time that I smile back…

Click here to read the first part

© 2009 by Chhaya. All rights reserved
PS: the image is googled


Tarun Goel June 29, 2009 at 10:22 AM  

You are still stuck there. Yeah, lies do hurt but I have heard one story, would like to tell you:
A man>>a village>no rains>>drought>>villagers go to him>ask him to smthng>>he asks for 3 days>>encloses himself in a room>>after 3 days it rains>villagers ask him the secret>>he says:for 3 days I kept myself in order and when i was in order the whole universe, the whole existence was in order :)
Moral of the Story: Honesty is the best Policy :)
Don't know ki u understood/related smthng or not, but story is nice :)

Chhaya June 29, 2009 at 10:30 AM  

@Traun – yes. I was still stuck on the soulmate thing.. I did mention that much :)
about keeping urself in order to make the world toe-the-line.. doesn’t work my friend.. doesn’t work in my corner of the world. We can chose to ignore it, accept what is dished out to us or we can walk away.. this series is dedicated to that conflict you face when you are deciding what to do..

Tarun Goel June 29, 2009 at 10:59 AM  

It works my Dear Friend, it always works, but as I have said, once upon a time, we[NO One] can not generalize the things, so I hope the best for you :)
P.S: It is raining here, as I observed "MAUN VRAT" for one day. :D

Chhaya June 29, 2009 at 11:05 AM  

@ Traun -

hehhe... good for you :)

i think i actually failed to convey the exact feelings in my post. it wasn’t about fixing the pain.. its about accepting that you are hurting..

you may think that you can change a person by being 'honest' but honest was never a shield against heartbreak. moreover, why would u want to change someone u loved? Paradox.. isnt it? this is what this series is all about

read the lines - "Is it the shame of being a fool? ......

... supposed to be hidden forever?"

IdleMind June 29, 2009 at 4:36 PM  

I guess you questioned right ... do we fail being fools? does the love not ooze out like the gush of blood ... unhindered? or may be our decorum, but the concept of soulmate sounds fresh. The words soul and mate are so made for each other. Enjoy the rains, dear ... for the sudden gush of water seems so profound.

Maya June 29, 2009 at 6:20 PM  

actually i read this early in the morning but didnt comment, because the story didnt proceed further

since u said its a short story i thought some plot is going to surface in this post,

@tarun thts a gr8 story, kind of fast forward butterfly effect

Chhaya June 29, 2009 at 6:22 PM  

@Maya -
its not a story.. :) ... just some thoughts..

Its my life June 29, 2009 at 6:34 PM  

very creative write up and I congratulate first for writing such a good one. I have no words to express.... :)

Maya June 29, 2009 at 6:40 PM  

actually i had contemplated that the protagonist is a male, only today i knew because of the hair thing that its a female

when i read the first part in the last post.. this is what i thought the story wud go like..

the person whom this person sees in the bus and doesnt know him actually has an effair with his wife.. so today when he goes home early he sees this person who he meets everyday in the bus with his wife.. but he doesnt say anything and pretends as if nothing happens

he again meets the person next morning in the bus.. but still he doesnt say anything.... then some ur kind of narration..

this was what i was expecting,, funny na

Chhaya June 29, 2009 at 6:56 PM  

@Maya -
Egads... why wud u think the narrater is a man??? Numerous "I"s in the post ya.. i wud have said it if i was writing from the point of view of a man... lol... no shocks in store in thise series :)

and yeah, u do know i am a girl.. right???

This series has a lot of fiction.. but this day was very real..those thoughts were there in my mind that day :)

Maya June 29, 2009 at 7:16 PM  

arre yaar i think i got an hangover of the last story( mercedes in desert wala)..

ofcourse i know u r a girl..

the self questioning is really thought provoking..

i liked the one finding solitute in crowded bus, sharing silence, i didnt understand in what sense self-defense was used.
why do lies hurt? its not lies but being cheated tht hurts
and many others the stainless steel wala is also good

Chhaya June 29, 2009 at 7:26 PM  

@Maya... yeah, it must be bcz of the mercedes thing..

i once tried to write from a man's pov, but i failed.. so i never try now..
abt the "Self- defence" thing.. here goes -
Someimes we use our pride to protect ourselves from disspointment and heartbreak. If i am dying to talk to someone or hear someone's voice.. or may be to be with someone, touch him and feel him next to me - i should go for it, right? But we dont.. I dont.. especially if u were hurt once.
You use your pride to keep yourself away from that person.

You use "Why should i call" to protect urself.

It happens all the time, especially when u have been hurt or neglected once.
The one who hurts u once, will hurt you again..

and then the phone becomes useless. these days we have so many means of communications but do we ever take time to talk to those who matter to us?
abt the steel thing.. its my favorite metal (not a metal exactly, an alloy)

Pete July 2, 2009 at 4:06 AM  

Hi Chhaya

I agree with Uncommon Sense's first comment that "plot" moves little.

It is indeed obvious that contemplation is placed above action.

I must be honest (I'm a meany) and say the pace and setting so far are fine as small elementss in a long novel - but not for a stand alone short story.

Could he turn out to be a potential lover or terrorist in the next instalment. Could the first person, herself change? Could a third person or group step aboard who alter the pace?

Kind Regards


Chhaya July 2, 2009 at 7:36 AM  

@Pete -

i insist again.. its not a story.. not a short story, not a part of a novel.. its some thoughts that i had in my head a few years back...


musafir July 5, 2009 at 1:37 AM  

Well, since clouds are blowing your way, and rain drops tantalize (or gush don in torrents), and you still await at bus stops, here's an old song for you. Keep the hair open.

ARTIST: The Hollies
TITLE: Bus Stop
Bus stop, wet day, she's there I say
Please share my umbrella
Bus stop, bus go, she stays love grows
Under my umbrella
All that summer we enjoyed it
Wind and rain and shine
That umbrella we employed it
By August she was mine

Every morning I would see her waiting at the stop
Sometimes she'd shop and she would show me what she bought
All the people stared as if we were both quite insane
Someday my name and hers are going to be the same

That's the way the whole thing started
Silly, but it's true
Thinking of a sweet romance
Beginning in a queue
Came the sun, the ice was melting
No more sheltering, now
Nice to think that that umbrella
Led me to a vow

Bus stop, wet day
She's there I say
Please share my umbrella
Bus stop, bus go, she stays, love grows
Under my umbrella
All that summer we enjoyed it
Wind and rain and shine
That umbrella we employed it
By August she was mine

Element-In-U July 6, 2009 at 4:01 PM  

hmmm... you wrote good and insight of the matter resembles that you have experienced things deep inside...

Whats In A Name July 7, 2009 at 1:10 AM  

Oh I am late...
Things moving ahead finally....:-)
When is the next part??

The most pertinent question you asked in the post was "Do we see what we want to!!!" So true.. And its precisely the reason for many a heartaches..
By the time we see what is to be seen, its often a little too late!!

IdleMind July 7, 2009 at 6:17 PM  

@ Chhaya - Yes, I avoided that type of bag ... the metro woman styled backpack as you use. Seems a craze in my city as well!

As for my honesty, yeah ... as long as I hit the right areas. ;)

Dipankar Dasgupta July 22, 2009 at 11:08 AM  

I read through both parts and they read like an exercise in "stream of consciousness". Nonetheless, you don't remind me of Virginia Woolf. Instead, it is Eliot who shows up quite forcefully:

"And indeed there will be time

For the yellow smoke that slides along the street

Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;

There will be time, there will be time

To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;

There will be time to murder and create,

And time for all the works and days of hands

That lift and drop a question on your plate;

Time for you and time for me,

And time yet for a hundred indecisions,

And for for a hundred visions and revisions,

Before the taking of a toast and tea."

And let me add:

There will be time for a smile,

Time to retrieve the smile,

Time to recede into the cocoon,

Time to live and time to die ...

Deep Da

A1 August 4, 2009 at 9:03 PM  

strange but true. reinventing the wheel is such an oddy profound nation that i see conjficts eternal.
not in a mood to lecture so ill just say, glad truth exists, and glad the irony exists.
impressive writing, none th eless

itsyvitsy August 20, 2009 at 9:27 PM  

Pardon me this time. I have nothing to say here. I have been blown away! I haven't seen a better reflection of oneself that this one in my entire life. It only took me 10 minutes to read the first and the second part together. In those 10 minutes I lived my lifetime again. Soul-stirring! Thank you for these wonderful wonderful (notice the usage of the word twice) entries.

Chhaya August 21, 2009 at 9:47 AM  

@Musafir – the song doesn’t actually capture the feel behind the write up, but thanks for taking time..
about keeping my hair open .. lol... too long to be kept open all the time.

@Element-in-u – Thank you

Chhaya August 21, 2009 at 10:23 AM  

@WIAN – exactly my feelings

@DD – thank you :)

@A1 – at your vaguest best, eh :)

@VP – I am so glad you liked it so much. it was a very ‘dil se’ post.. I have been trying to take it forwards.. lets see when that happens

Shanu November 7, 2009 at 2:20 AM  

Where is part 3..i wanna kno how tis ends

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